DUNGEONS & DRAGONS CHARACTER CLASSES FOR EVERYDAY LIFE
GOON, ARGUMENTATIVE
ARGUMENTATIVE GOON is a sub-class of the FIGHTER classification. However, an ARGUMENTATIVE GOON has no knowledge of the skills of combat nor mastery of weapons and armor. Instead, players of this class can be found in taverns engaging in their class’ trademark skill: Minor Squabbling. They deal the most damage to opponents using phrases like “That begs the question” “Actually, you’re being defensive.” And “Let’s not compare apples and oranges, shall we” Also, they are drunken assholes.
PALADIN OF CONVERSION
A PALADIN is a holy knight who crusades in the name of good and order and is a divine spellcaster. A PALADIN OF CONVERSION is a sub-class that devotes all their energies to proselytizing others to convert to Paladinism. Rather than fighting, PALADINS OF CONVERSION move through the land, going door to door asking people “May I talk to you about the wonders of Pelor the Majestic?” or “Have you accepted Pelor the Majestic as your personal lord and savior?” At level 17, Paladins unlock the Eye Contact Skill; whereby anyone who makes eye contact with them is subject to an hours-long uncomfortable conversation about abortion.
BARD OF SATIRE
BARDS are warriors who use their artistic talents to induce magical effects. Most of their powers are related to hindering their enemies through magical song or performance. (Example: the nausea you feel when the song ‘Christmas Shoes’ is played, or anything by Jefferson Starship, Animal Collective, etc.)
A BARD OF SATIRES’ most powerful skill is Enthralling Retelling (Satire); the ability to charge a retelling of one Satirical Political News Story or Comedy Skit with seductive fey magic. Any Bard can inspire wonder in his audience by rehashing something from The Onion or SNL word for word. At the end of the retelling, choose a number of humanoids within 60 feet of you who listened to all of it, equal to your Charisma modifier. Each target must succeed on a Wisdom saving throw against your spell or be charmed. While charmed in this way, the target idolizes you, it speaks glowingly of you to anyone who speaks to it, and it hinders anyone who opposes you. Note: this never works and all die of boredom.
DARK PARIAH (OF B’ANN’ON)
DARK PARIAHS’ are a sub-class of the FIEND classification. Not all FIENDS are born; many who seek safety and security will look towards the darkness and promises of the Lower Planes. These homegrown fiends are created from the least and lowest rungs of the mortal race and are fanatical worshippers of a dark power they can only barely comprehend. These are the DARK PARIAHS OF B’ANN’ON. This class is most likely encountered on Facebook and at Thanksgiving.
Individuals damned for eternity for their misplaced faith, DARK PARIAHS OF B’ANN’ON become more monster than man. They are the grunt soldiers of the Lower Planes, the advance guard for what they see as the inevitable Day of Reckoning, January 20th. However, once the day Reckoning occurred — exactly as predicted in the Tome of Sorrow, — no joy came to the DARK PARIAHS OF B’ANN’ON. Instead, they took to their laptops to continue to call school shootings ‘false flag ops’ and to insist on the infallibility of President Underling (B’ANN’ON’s human vessel on this plane of existence) and that Underlings’ rambling decrees are actually, well thought out and legal.
MYSTIC WANDERER
MYSTIC WANDERERS are divine spellcasters who eschew normal church hierarchies and instead embrace freedom, wanderlust, and independence. MYSTIC WANDERERS have no proficiency with weapons or armor due to having graduated on their parents’ dime with a BA in Sociology from UC Irvine.
After completing their studies most MYSTIC WANDERERS live in Lake Tahoe for a year in their parent’s second house, skiing, studying classical guitar and maybe backpacking through the Lower Shire with a girlfriend.
At level 9 MYSTIC WANDERERS gain control of their Trust Fund and dabble with investing until the markets get sketchy and they sell everything at a massive profit due to the unlocking of the skill Glory of Uncle (Who’s A Hedge Fund Manager) (Minor).
Most MYSTIC WANDERERS are of Chaotic Neutral alignment and spend their life ‘experimenting’; working for a few years as tennis instructor/musician for Club Med, doing Tech PR in Los Angeles or owning a restaurant in the Dominican Republic. Mystic Wanderers are most likely found living in the maid’s quarters of their Dad’s mansion in Los Gatos.
BLACK ZEALOTS OF INSTANT POT
Trained in unholy rites, the BLACK ZEALOTS OF INSTANT POT use stealth, divine magic and the zeal of fanaticism to destroy those who have given offense to their god, the Instant Pot. Every BLACK ZEALOT acquires the skill Zealous Heart at Level 3. This makes them immune to fear. However, unlike a Paladin’s Aura of Courage, this makes them highly susceptible to verbal attacks; especially How Can One Appliance Do The Job Seven? and I Already Have A Slow Cooker.
The BLACK ZEALOTS OF INSTANT POT rely on several counter-attacks, such as:
You Can Caramelize Onions In It! (+7)
It’s Also A Rice Cooker (+4)
You Can Make Yogurt In It (+1)
