These new FIFA 17 features are getting out of hand.
Wannabe sheikhs and oligarchs assemble, the latest ‘millionaires-wearing-shirts’ game is on it’s way out next month. Yes that’s right! EA Sports’ sequel to FIFA 16 — the imaginatively titled FIFA 17, will feature all the things you love most about football: heavy sponsorship, radio-friendly Brit-rock that you’ll almost immediately turn off in the settings, and the soothing Scottish tones of Andy Grey.
Wow, it’s hard to believe that there have been 17 FIFAs already. I remember the top-down, 2D days of FIFAs 1 and 2 respectively, when you could get the kill frenzy and the flamethrower cheat.
Needless to say, as a long term football fan, the prospect of paying £50 for updated shirts and slightly different squads gets me rock hard. But on top of that EA are also tantalising us for the first time ever with the prospect of some single player campaigns. While some have already been revealed, I’m pleased to say I’ve been let in on a few little exclusive secrets as to some of other new gameplay modes we can expect.
Where’s Messi?
In this mode, you take on the role of the graphic designer who spent hours photoshopping Lionel Messi onto the brand new cover before his conviction and subsequent sentencing for tax fraud. Using the motion sensor on your controller, you carefully erase him from the pitch while controlling your grumbling and sighing.
Once you have sufficiently deleted all of the files associated with that image, your next task is to design a 3rd, unlockable kit for Barcelona featuring the suit he wore to court.
Journey Mode
Already announced, EA expanded this week on the details of the gameplay. A single player story mode, players will assume the role of the fictional Alex Hunter, a young kid with the big ambition of playing in the Premier League.
From the new EA Sports press release:
“Rise up through the ranks of the English Youth Leagues with starry-eyed Alex. Consistently pressure him to put all friends, family, and education aside.
Take advantage of his dreams of immense wealth and guide him to become a young prodigy for Manchester United where he will face the final boss: Zlatan Ibrahimovic, recently brought in as a huge marketing opportunity by the new manager.
Fall into depression with Alex as he languishes on the bench, a second choice striker to an ageing Swedish skeleton, playing 3 minutes of injury time per game and wasting the best years of his life, before saying “fuck it” and taking a loan spell to Charlton Athletic.”
Journey Mode will also feature a conversation wheel in the style of Mass Effect. Thanks to an entire team of writers working tirelessly on recreating the speech patterns and philosophical wisdom of todays professional sportsmen, you too can draw upon a deep, rich world of dialogue to conduct the most eloquent post-match interviews.
Journey Mode: Girls Version
While FIFA 16 broke ground by including the ability to play as women’s national teams for the first time, FIFA 17 goes further. In this mode similar to the male one, you play as Teresa Crumble, an ambitious young lady who rises up through the ranks of women’s football while the entire media turns away, before finally playing in front of literally tens of people in the Premier League.
Chapters of the game include:
- Working your entire life to be a professional athlete before heading to the Olympics and being told “Girls can’t play football” by a commentator.
- Standing slightly behind Harry Kane during a photoshoot.
- A Keepy-uppey mini-game where you tap the left and right triggers to maintain a beaming smile while thinking about how little you are paid in comparison.
Upcoming Spring 2017 DLC includes: Spending an evening reporting rape threats on Twitter.
Jamie Vardy’s Casino Cashout!
Rather incredibly, FIFA 17 will feature the a series of mini-games which you can play for in-game money to bolster your teams transfer budget. In one, you assume the role of big spender and arm-injury enthusiast Jamie Vardy as he goes to the casino to get blackout drunk and spin that roulette wheel one last time. Press A to put it all on Black! Press B to put it all on Red! Press Y to yell at that Japanese man!
Casino Cashout! will feature this and all your favourite gambling modes, with all the problematic celebrity racial tension included free of charge. Perhaps Blackjack is more your style? Press A to HIT, Press B to STAND! Press Y to yell at that Japanese man! Yeah, the one minding his own business. FUCK THAT GUY.
For those among you concerned about the suitability of this game, don’t worry, Mr. Vardy makes it back to the dressing room in plenty of time for the England games!
Yaya Toure’s Birthday Party
“Uh-oh! Yaya’s grumpy again! Whatever could it be this time? Oh no! We forgot his birthday!”
Read by Jamie Carragher, ‘Yaya Toure’s Birthday Party’ is the story of grumpy old Yaya — who never, ever gets his way at Manchester City, and the managers, players, and agents who try everything they can to cheer him up!
Accessible in the audio menu, this bedtime book about Pep Guardiola’s haphazard adventures trying to make the perfect day for his victimised midfielder will warm the hearts of the whole family.
