Every Joke from ‘Airplane!’ Ranked
Published in
23 min readAug 12, 2016
Welp, we ranked all the jokes in Airplane! from best to worst.
Why?
Not sure. Next question.
How?
We all sat down and watched Airplane!. We input every joke into a Google Excel Sheet, gave each joke a score from 1–10 (whole numbers only), set the document to automatically average the score for each joke, and, after the movie was over, we sorted the jokes from highest to lowest average score.
Who?
There were seven of us, all of whose careers are more-or-less involved in comedy writing and filmmaking. None of whom have made anything nearly as good as Airplane!. Here’s all of us (in the order of the average joke score we gave) if you want to Google the people with the unmitigated gall to judge Airplane!:
- Jason Gudasz — Average score 6.72, gave twenty-five 10s and zero 1s.
- Ben BenAry — Average score 6.71, gave twenty-eight 10s and seven 1s.
- Alex Kavutskiy (that’s me, the author of this article) — Average score 6.26, gave twenty-five 10s and two 1s.
- Nichole Bagby — Average score 6.14, gave ten 10s and one 1.
- Ariel Gardner — Average score 5 (the most balanced judge), gave three 10s and nine 1s.
- Rebecca Hoobler — Average score 4.65, gave five 10s and forty-three 1s.
- Brady Novak — Average score 4.24, gave two 10s and thirteen 1s.
Things to keep in mind while reading this list:
- Our sample size was way too small. I’d love it if someone redid this study but with ten times as many people.
- We all love Airplane!. So if you’re redoing this study (not sure why you would), please find some people that hate it and some people that have never seen it.
- We had to make tough calls on when to rate jokes individually or as part of a larger joke. And we probably made some wrong decisions. Sorry.
- We rated each joke only in reference to other Airplane! jokes. Airplane! threes and fours are probably equivalent to most other movies’ nines and tens.
- There may have been a slight bias towards jokes near the beginning of the movie. If the other judges were anything like me, they also panicked that they were giving out too many high scores and tried to be “more objective” as the movie went on.
- Since we only gave whole number scores, there were a lot of ties. In case of a tie, the author of this article took it upon himself to sort the tied jokes in any order that he felt in the moment of typing up the list. He felt that he earned that right since he put in many hours making this list and no one else has editing privilege.
Okay, here we go:
178. “EL NO A YOU SMOKO/PUTANA DA SEATBELTZ”. (1.57)
I guess something had to be the lowest ranked joke in Airplane! and it might as well have been one of the gags with the lighted warning signs.
177. Kramer: “Alright, I’ll need three men up in the tower. You, Neubauer. You, Macias — ” Johnny: “Me John! Big Tree.” (1.57)
Also tied for worst joke, coming from Johnny, one of the funniest characters in Airplane!. I think what happened was it was just too many jokes in a row in that scene and a lot of hitters from Johnny personally and this one just didn’t land as well.
176. Jesus Dashboard Statue has a little umbrella when it’s raining. (2)
175. Ted: “I guess the foot’s on the other hand now, isn’t it, Kramer?” (2)
174. Ted: “It’s a damn good thing he doesn’t know how much I hate his guts.” Elaine, into radio: “It’s a damn good thing you don’t know how much he hates your guts.” (2.43)
173. “GOBACKEN SIDONNA” (2.57)
172. McCroskey: “I want the best available man on this, a man who knows that plane inside and out and won’t crack under pressure.” Johnny: “What about Mr. Rogers?” (2.57)
171. Sick woman passenger: “I haven’t felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film!” (2.57)
170. McCroskey: “Your husband and the others are alive, just unconscious.” Johnny: “Just like Gerald Ford.” (2.71)
Statistically, just a slightly better joke than the Ronald Reagan one.
169. Psychiatric hospital has pentathol available/takes major credit cards/doctors wear STP insignias. (2.71)
168. During the landing climax, there’s an old timey firetruck with dalmatian there. (2.71)
167. Dr. Rumack, regarding everyone getting sick on the plane: “I haven’t seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert.” (2.86)
166. Kramer: “Gunderson, check the radar range. Anything yet?” Gunderson (checks oven): “It’s about two more minutes, chief.” (2.86)
Not a joke, but we all took great delight in seeing Gunderson played by Jonathan Banks (Mike from Breaking Bad).
165. That little dashboard Jesus covers his face when he realizes Ted’s their only hope. (3)
164. Zealot: “Hello, we’d like you to have this flower from the religious consciousness church, would you like to make a donation?” Hare Krishna: “No thanks, we gave at the office.” (3)
163. Ted: “It’s running a little hot.” (3.14)
162. The dramatic lightning and thunder cues in cockpit. (3.29)
161. Kramer: “Standby, Striker. We’re going to the tower, good luck.” Johnny: “The tower, the tower! Rapunzel, Rapunzel!” (3.29)
160. No Sex Warning Sign (3.43)
159. Randy, to woman about her husband being sick: “Oh, it’s nothing to be alarmed about.” then makes face like it IS something to be alarmed about. (3.43)
158. McCroskey: “Mayday?! What the hell is that?” Johnny: “Mayday? Why, that’s the Russian new year. We’ll have a big parade, we’ll serve hot hors d’oeuvres…” (3.43)
157. Dr. Rumack grows a Pinocchio nose telling the passengers everything will be fine. (3.57)
156. Passenger removes fake arm and fake leg at airport security. (3.57)
155. Ted: “Let’s see. Altitude 24,000 feet. Level flight. Speed 520 knots. Course, zero niner zero. Trim and mixture: wash, soak, rinse, spin…” (3.71)
154. Kramer: “That’s impossible! They’re on instruments!” (3.71)
153. There’s actual jars of mayo at the Mayo Clinic. (3.71)
152. Male passenger: “I’ll turn on some air.” He turns on the air and a strong gust of wind blows through the cabin. (3.71)
151. Ted: “I know, I know!” Elaine, repeating: “He knows, he knows!” (3.86)
150. A strange visual gag where a spear hits the wall and a watermelon drops on a table, matching with McCroskey’s and Kramer’s hand gestures. (3.86)
149. Ambulance, firetruck, and a police car are followed by a baggage truck, fuel truck, a taxi,
a Coke truck, an ice cream truck, a cement mixer, and a tractor. (4)
148. Zealot: “Hello, we’d like you to have this flower from the religious consciousness church, would you like to make a donation?” Elaine, keeping flower: “No, thank you anyway.” (4)
147. The life preserver is an inflatable ducky. (4)
146. Ted, after Elaine tells him off, to camera: “What a pisser.” (4.14)
145. The nun performing ‘Respect’. (4.14)
144. The appearance of the female autopilot and Otto winks. (4.14)
143. McCroskey orders Siamese twins to go into opposite directions and they can’t. (4.29)
142. The airplane taking out the disco radio station after it proclaims that disco will live forever. (4.29)
141. Dr. Rumack’s “Win one for the Zipper” speech. (4.29)
140. The ‘Jaws’ parody intro. (4.29)
139. It seems like Brandy is going to ask the nun to pray for the sick girl but instead asks to borrow her guitar. (4.43)
138. Brandy accidentally hits a bunch of passengers over the head with the guitar as she walks to the front. (4.43)
Interestingly enough, nobody gave these back-to-back jokes the same score and they still got the exact same average.
137. Captain Oveur, while on the phone with the Mayo Clinic, receives a call from Mr. Hamm on line 5: “Alright, give me Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo.” (4.43)
136. McCroskey: “It sure is quiet out there.” Kramer: “Yeah, too quiet.” (4.43)
135. Ted: “Thank you, Randy. You’d better leave, sweetheart. You might get hurt up here.” Randy leaves the cockpit and we hear a bunch of silly sound effects implying she tripped and got hurt. (4.43)
134. The live heart for the transplant at the Mayo clinic is bouncing on the desk. (4.43)
133. Air traffic control guys are playing a basketball video game on their screens. (4.57)
132. There’s a vulture in the cockpit when it seems like they’re doomed. (4.57)
131. Dr. Rumack: “Now, is there anyone on board who can land this plane?” Cut to Ted pouring drink on his face. Cut back to Elaine: “Well no, no one I know of.” (4.57)
130. Ted pulls up on the curb at the airport. (4.57)
129. Ted and Elaine are covered in seaweed and splashed by a wave in the non-romantic version of the “From Here to Eternity” beach scene. (4.57)
128. Ted and Elaine’s kiss at the end is way too long. (4.71)
127. Kramer: “Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto that field.” Cut to a dump truck pouring a bunch of lights onto the field. (4.71)
126. Ted sweating too much. (4.71)
125. The “Oh stewardess, I speak jive” scene. (4.71)
Edit: What our panel didn’t know is that the woman is played by Barbara Billingsley, who played June Cleaver on Leave it to Beaver.
124. Ted gets out of his jacket when the guy at the airport holds onto it, asking for a donation. (4.86)
123. McCroskey: “Ease off, Rex, he hasn’t flown for years. It’s not his fault. It could happen to any pilot.”
Johnny : “It happened to Barbara Stanwyck.” (4.86)
122. Literal shit hits a literal fan. (4.86)
121. Air traffic control guy doing laundry in the background. (4.86)
120. They’re dragging the passed out pilot and co-pilots through the cabin, past all the passengers. (4.86)
119. McCroskey, on phone to wife: “I want the kids in bed by nine, the dog fed, the yard watered, and the gate locked. And get a note to the milkman… no more cheese!” (4.86)
118. Elaine re-inflates the autopilot. (4.86)
117. Ted pulls out the red handle. (5)
116. Ted asks for a smoking ticket and his ticket is literally smoking. (5)
115. Charles Dickens’s credit. (5)
114. Looking at a newspaper: McCroskey: “Passengers certain to die!” Kramer: “Airline negligent!” Johnny: “There’s a sale at Penny’s!” (5)
113. Johnny playing with the phones: “Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, Toto, it’s a twister, it’s a twister!” (5.14)
112. There’s too many controls on the plane. (5.14)
111. Ted: “Surely, there must be something you can do.” Dr. Rumack: “I’m doing everything I can. And stop calling me Shirley.” (5.14)
This is the callback.
110. Japanese passenger listening to Ted’s long story commits seppuku. (5.14)
109. The appearance of the automatic pilot. (5.14)
108. During turbulence, Randy slips and hits a passenger in the face with a plate of food. (5.14)
107. Dr. Rumack: “Elaine, you’re a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?” Elaine: “No.” And Dr. Rumack keeps talking anyway. (5.14)
106. Jive passengers order dinner from Elaine. (5.14)
Surprisingly, got a slightly higher rating than the later jive scene with the old lady.
105. During the “Saturday Night Fever” sequence, Ted throws his hat and it gets thrown back/Later, ted throws his jacket and it gets thrown back. (5.14)
Also wouldn’t mind gifs of these to add to this article if anyone can make them, please.
104. The stripper, in the seedy bar with the sultry trombone music, is actually the one playing the trombone. (5.29)
103. Ted punches the religious zealot at the airport. (5.29)
102. The red zone/white zone/abortion PA argument. (5.29)
101. Referee introduces all the different airport officials. (5.43)
100. Elaine: “Would you like something to read?” Old woman: “Do you have anything light?” Elaine: “Uh how about this leaflet, Famous Jewish Sports Legends?” (5.43)
99. McCroskey, handing Johnny a piece of paper: “Johnny, what can you make out of this?” Johnny: “This? Why I could make a hat or a broach or a pterodactyl — ” (5.43)
98. During the climactic landing, the airport PA keeps changing the arriving terminal and the waiting passengers have to keep running to the next one. (5.43)
97. Silly sound effects during the “Saturday Night Fever” sequence. (5.57)
96. Johnny: “Nick, Heath, Jarrod, there’s a fire in the barn!” (5.57)
95. Captain Oveur’s wife keeps rubbing Rex Kramer during the landing. (5.57)
94. Rex Kramer’s sunglasses under sunglasses. (5.57)
93. During turbulence: jello jiggles, boobs jiggle, woman smears her make-up. (5.57)
92. Murdock: “Do you want me to check the weather, Clarence?” Oveur: “No, why don’t you take care of it?” (5.71)
Note: 5.71 is the median score of the data. All the jokes rated 5.71 (#86–#92) are mathematically the most average jokes of the movie. This might be due to confirmation bias but it seems like the seven “most average” jokes represent every type of humor in the movie.
91. At the end, the ambulance crashes after driving off with some passengers in it. (5.71)
90. The first jive conversation. (5.71)
89. Girl scout fight in the “Saturday Night Fever” sequence. (5.71)
88. Old woman describes Elaine’s darling figure. (5.71)
87. Kramer: “Flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle. Just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes. (5.71)
86. The “Clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. Vector, Victor” scene. (5.71)
85. A passenger douses himself in gasoline wanting to kill himself during Ted’s long story. Then accidentally does after Ted goes to the cockpit. (6)
84. Prudish woman says no whiskey and then does a line of coke. (6)
83. Runner of Ted’s cab passenger still waiting the whole movie. (6)
82. Ridiculous backgrounds behind Kramer’s driving. (6).
81. Woman passenger voice over: “Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home.” (6)
Apparently a parody of an old commercial but even funnier if it’s just out of nowhere.
80. Ice cream cone instead of microphone. (6)
79. McCroskey’s “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit ______” runner (6).
78. The woman who smeared some make-up earlier smears way more make-up in later turbulence. (6.14)
77. Woman passenger voice over: “Jim never vomits at home.” (6.14)
The callback scored slightly higher than the original. Who are we to criticize the writing of Airplane! but our group did agree it would’ve been funnier if the line was “Jim never vomits a second time at home”, since he does vomit twice in the scene.
76. Randy: “Excuse me, sir, there’s been a little problem in the cockpit.” Ted: “The cockpit? What is it?” Randy: “It’s the little room at the front of the plane where the pilots sit. But that’s not important right now.” (6.14)
The lowest rated joke of this runner.
75. Elaine, asking over PA: “By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?” and the pandemonium and sword fighting that ensues. (6.14)
74. Among the newspaper headlines about the plane, this headline appears: (6.14)
73. Captain Oveur examines the “Whacking Material” in the magazine stand and picks “Modern Sperm”. (6.29)
72. The first time we see the very mature boy reading a serious magazine and checking out the girl passenger. (6.29)
71. At the end, the autopilot takes off in wheel-less plane by himself. (6.29)
70. Shep the dog attacking Paul at Kramer’s house and no one helps him. (6.43)
69. Elaine explaining Tupperware to the tribal people. (6.43)
68. The girl scout flying into the jukebox starting ‘Stayin’ Alive’ and how quickly the seedy bar turns into a disco club. (6.43)
67. Unlocking the autopilot causes him to fly around the cockpit and grab Elaine’s chest. (6.57)
66. Randy, as the passengers are going down the emergency chute: “Have a nice day! Thanks for flying TransAmerican.” (6.57)
65. Johnny, to the concerned Mrs. Oveur: “Where did you get that dress? It’s awful! And those shoes and that coat… geeeeez!” (6.57)
64. Ted teaching the tribal leader Western handshakes. (6.57)
63. Kramer throws his cigarette out the window of the airport and it causes an explosion outside. (6.57)
And even funnier, McCroskey anticipates the explosion.
62. Air Israel (6.57)
61. Mrs. Oveur is having an affair with a horse. (6.71)
60. Controller, on the phone: “He’s a menace to himself and everything else in the air… yes, birds too.” (6.71)
59. A ground crewman point another towards the forklift with his flashlights, causing a plane to crash into a terminal. (6.71)
58. The people are on the baggage claim with the baggage waiting for them. (6.86)
57. When getting ready to take-off, a window washer washes the plane and falls off/Service man charges Captain Oveur. (6.86)
56. Randy to passengers: “Alright everybody, get into crash positions!” The passengers get out of their seats and position themselves as if the plane already crashed. (6.86)
55. PTSD patient thinking he’s Ethel Merman is played by Ethel Merman. (6.86)
54. All the “Saturday Night Fever” dancing. (6.86)
53. Ted’s echoey voice-over: “I’ve got to concentrate, concentrate, concentrate… I’ve got to concentrate, concentrate, concentrate… Hello, hello, hello… Echo, echo, echo… Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon, Manny Mota, Mota, Mota…” (7)
52. Ted: “Because of my mistake, six men didn’t return from that raid.” Elaine: “Seven. Lieutenant Zip died this morning.” (7)
51. During her song, Randy’s guitar knocks out the little girl’s oxygen tube. (7)
50. When they pull the unconscious Kareem Abdul-Jabbar out of the co-pilot seat, he’s in his basketball gear. (7.14)
Also, earlier in the movie, during the Turkish prison joke, Joey finds a basketball in the cockpit. We didn’t even register it as a joke so we didn’t rate it and I’ll just group it as part of this joke.
49. Gunderson: “He’s all over the place! 900 feet, up to 1300 feet. What an asshole!” (7.14)
48. Subject of painting: “Hey Striker, how about a break? I’m getting tired.” (7.14)
47. Kramer: “Our only hope is to build this man up. I’ve got to give him all the confidence I can. Striker, have you ever flown a multi-engine plane before?” Ted: “No, never.” Kramer, thinking radio is off: “Shit! This is a goddamn waste of time. There’s no way he can land that plane.” (7.14)
46. The man Elaine is dancing with gets stabbed in the back. While he struggles to reach for the knife, Elaine mimics his moves, thinking it’s a dance. (7.14)
45. Ted: “And that as much as anything, led to my drinking problem.” (7.14)
44. Ted: “Surely, you can’t be serious.” Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.” (7.14)
43. Kramer steps through the mirror. (7.14)
42. Dr. Rumack: “What was it we had for dinner tonight?” Elaine: “Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.” Dr. Rumack: “Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna.” (7.14)
41. Tribal news report. (7.14)
40. Ted: “My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We’re bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We’re coming in from the North, below their radar.” Elaine: “When will you be back?” Ted: “I can’t tell you that. It’s classified.” (7.29)
39. The in-flight movie shows a plane crash. (7.29)
38. Reporter: “Alright boys, let’s take some pictures.” And then they literally take pictures off the wall. (7.29.)
37. McCroskey: “Bad news, the fog is getting thicker.” Johnny: “And Leon’s getting laaarger!” (7.29)
36. Ted’s long story causes the old woman to kill herself by hanging. (7.43)
35. After Randy confides in Dr. Rumack that she’s scared and is still unmarried at 26, a female passenger tells them she’s scared but at least she has a husband. (7.43)
34. Reporter: “What kind of plane is it?” Johnny: “Oh, it’s a big, pretty, white plane with red stripes, curtains in the window, and wheels. It looks like a big Tylenol.” (7.43)
33. Ted: “I had to ask the guy next to me to pinch me to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.” (7.43)
32. Kramer beats up the solicitors at the airport. (7.57)
31. Boys’ Life/Nuns’ Life (7.57)
30. Elaine: “You got a telegram from headquarters today.” Ted: “Headquarters? What is it?” Elaine: “Well, it’s a big building where generals meet but that’s not important right now.” (7.57)
29. Old lady: “Nervous?” Ted: “Yes.” Old lady: “First time?” Ted: “No, I’ve been nervous lots of times.” (7.57)
28. Captain Oveur: “Joey, have you ever been in a… in a Turkish Prison?” (7.57)
This is the callback.
27. When Ted recalls crashing while flying the war, he also recalls old-timey plane crashes. (7.57)
26. During the climax, Johnny unplugs the runway light. (7.57)
25. Kramer: “Get that finger out of your ear!” (7.57)
Overthinking this joke, he did just shake Rex Kramer’s hand so it might be a joke about where Rex Kramer’s hand has been.
24. Kramer, talking into phone: “No, we can’t do that. The risk of a flame-out is too high. Keep them at 24,000… no, feet.” (7.71)
23. McCroskey stands in front of a picture of himself. (7.71)
22. Host of Counterpoint: “They bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into, I say… let ’em crash!” (7.71)
21. Everyone peaking in to the song Randy is about to play and smiling. (7.86)
20. The “Good luck. We’re all counting on you.” runner. (7.86)
Not factored in: the callback to this during Scary Movie 3.
19. Soldier saying good-bye to his girl as the plane takes off, as if he’s leaving on a train. (8)
18. Dr. Rumack: “This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.” Elaine: “A hospital? What is it?” Dr. Rumack: “It’s a big building with patients but that’s not important right now.” (8)
The highest ranking joke from this runner.
17. Captain Oveur goes through the symptoms of the virus. (8)
16. McCruskey giving out orders: “Johnny, how about some coffee?” Johnny: “No thanks!” (8.14)
This is the introduction of the Johnny character and the score includes the callback later.
15. Dr. Rumack takes eggs out of the sick woman’s mouth. (8.14)
14. McCroskey: “He’s coming right at us!” (8.14)
13. The PA at the airport calls for Captain Oveur to pick up the white courtesy phone. When he picks up the red one, she says (through the phone), “No, the white one.” (8.29)
And then the PA calls for him to get the white courtesy phone again and he yells back “I’ve got it!”, to which she somehow hears him and replies, “thank you.”
12. Dr. Rumack: “What the hell’s going on up there?!” (8.43)
11. Not realizing Ted and Elaine have left the cockpit, Kramer continues talking into the radio for a while: “Christmas Ted, what does that mean to you? It was a living hell. Do you know what it’s like to fall in the mud and get kicked… in the head… with an iron boot? Of course you don’t, no one does. It never happens. Sorry, Ted, that’s a dumb question… skip that.” (8.57)
10. Ted: “It’s an entirely different kind of flying, altogether.” Dr. Rumack and Randy: “It’s an entirely different kind of flying.” (8.57)
9. Ted tries to teach the African tribe basketball but they’re already amazing at it. (8.71)
8. The “You’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar scene!” (8.86)
7. All the reporters run into the phone booths at once and they all fall over. (9)
6. Elaine: “Sir, excuse me, sir. I’m sorry I have to wake you. Are you a doctor?” Dr. Rumack, wearing a stethoscope: “That’s right.” (9)
5. Everyone lining up to calm the female passenger down. (9)
4. The “I take it black… like my men” scene. (9.14)
3. The “have you ever seen a grown man naked?” scene. (9.14)
Keep in mind, this scene also contains the “you’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar” scene (ranked #8) and the “no, why don’t you take care of it?” joke (ranked #92).
2. Controller: “Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the search lights now.” Kramer: “No… that’s just what they’ll be expecting us to do.” (9.14)
1. The “you can tell me, I’m a doctor” exchange. (9.29)
We knew going into this that whatever joke ranked at number one would be controversial. When we tallied up the scores, we were all surprised this got the top slot because no one expected it but we were also not surprised because we all gave it high scores (four 10s, two 9s, and a 7). Maybe in the context of reading a list ranking Airplane! jokes, there’s a lot of pressure for what’s number one but in the context of watching the movie and this scene happening, it’s really funny and you give it a high score (assuming, of course, you’re being forced to score each joke as you watch). And the long pause Leslie Nielsen takes before asking, “you can’t take a guess for another two hours?”… so good.
That’s it.
That’s the list. What did you expect? The end.
If you loved this you might also like more bullshit.ist writing:
$40 and Some Tacos — “If anyone ever asks you to do something, ask yourself if you’d do it for $40 and some tacos.” — by Devon Henry
