First Lines From Novels I Will (Almost Definitely) Never Write

If it came down to it, I knew she would have to go before the stuffed animals would.

I didn’t choose porn; porn chose me.

Initially it was difficult to identify the tipping point, but the more I look back on the whole thing, I think everything really went off the rails when the delivery dude showed up without ranch for the pizza.

I was sitting in my cubicle wondering what the “cream” in caramel cream candies was made of when the Kool Aid Man came crashing through the wall of Enterprise Rent-A-Car for the fourth time in as many months.

“Goddamnit, I hate dating so much,” he said as he sat down to his first date of the speed-dating event for single Magic: The Gathering enthusiasts.

I knew Agent Gibson was going to be a tough nut to crack and it would take some time and effort before we became simpatico as partners when he told me he didn’t think Chipotle’s queso was “actually all that bad.”

There was no way they could prove I had murdered Jebidiah, because I hadn’t, but I knew if they showed up and started poking around they would find the meth lab, which was certainly not ideal.

The storm was coming and we were out of mayonnaise.

I knew the only way to get the monsters out from underneath my bed was to start charging them rent, but I hadn’t considered they would attempt to pay in human souls, which are actually considered legal tender on many dimensional planes.

Call me Scotty.

It was a bright and humid evening.

I’ve always believed that you should not come lightly to the buffet line, especially not when you find yourself at a Golden Corral on Interstate 80.

The prostitute did not believe me when I told her I had no idea most women of the night did not accept Venmo.

I’d never sucked toes before, but figured if a beautiful woman was putting them in my face and demanding that I do so, I may as well give it a whirl.

The tide seemed to recede as quickly as my hairline.

If I could turn back time, I never would have written that fucking Yelp review.

“I’m sure my mustache had absolutely nothing to do with it,” I said, blatantly lying while under oath.

“There’s someone out there for everyone, but maybe it’s time to stop looking for them in the past,” I said to myself as I deleted Instagram.

We told Jeremy the Force wasn’t real, and we weren’t lying, but it turns out we also weren’t completely accurate.

“Look, if that guy somehow becomes POTUS, you can hunt me, my entire family and everyone I love for sport, because mark my fucking words: He is never going to win the popular vote.”

I wish I didn’t have this much experience in the field, but the first time being cuckolded is probably the worst.

If I’m being honest, I was a tiny bit offended that the aliens abducted me but didn’t seem to want to fuck me.

“Look, Noel and Liam, I was at home while studying while you were getting high; that’s where I fucking was!”

It was a nice, warm night, close to the end of the summer, and the crickets were definitely fucking with wild abandon.

What would you do if your entire family and everyone you loved had been hunted and killed for sport?