GOP Health Plan to Defund Abortions Except in Cases Where Jeff Sessions is the Father

Republican lawmakers crafting the Obamacare replacement plan have included an unusual provision that prohibits funding for abortions — unless it’s proven that Attorney General Jeff Sessions is the father.

“I find abortions sickening,” said Health Secretary Tom Price. “But we can’t have any more people in this country running around with Jeff’s gene pool. It’s better to end pregnancies than to have additional individuals claiming Atlanta is the true U.S. capital.”

Sessions recently recused himself from all probes into President Trump’s campaign practices due to troubling statements made during his confirmation hearings.

Still, Sessions, 70, is unlikely to have additional children despite the fact that even older men have become fathers over the years. Legendary film star Charlie Chaplin had a son at age 73, but he had a functioning sense of humor — and was not rumored to be a ghost.