GOP Vows to Replace Obamacare with Arsenic and Bloodletting

Senate Republicans, making good on their longstanding pledge to scrap President Obama’s signature health care law, have crafted a plan to replace it with a pair of ancient remedies: arsenic and bloodletting.

“‘Olde-tyme’” cures worked for centuries,” said Vice President-elect Mike Pence, who’s leading the GOP effort. “Repurposing them will save billions. Finally the American people can once again get quality health care at reasonable prices.”

“Children are welcome to buy their own plan,” said Pence. “They can sign forms with an ’X’ or a picture of a kitty.”

Democrats promised a fight. “Seven years to sit around and think — and this is what they come up with?” said new Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “Blood and poison?”

Republicans also plan to repeal the provision that enables kids to stay on their parents’ insurance from birth until age 26. “Children are welcome to buy their own plan,” said Pence. “Infants and pre-schoolers can apply in crayon and sign the form with either an “X” or by drawing a picture of their favorite kitty.”