Guys Named Steve In Superhero Movies Need To Stop Killing Themselves In Airplanes
It is entirely avoidable, and it makes their girlfriends very sad.
Warning: Spoilers
There is a plague upon Steves. It affects all of us. But mostly guys named Steve. And their bombshell girlfriends. But again, it primarily affects Steves. Or maybe it’s Chrises. But I’ll get to that later.
In recent superhero films, Steves always seem perfectly at ease, skillfully demonstrating their cool headed heroics and wooing fair maidens — right up until they set foot in an airplane. Then all rationality just flies out of the cockpit window.
The two most serious examples of Hollywoods’ anti-Steveism are found in Captain America and Wonder Woman. In both cases, a Steve wrests control of an enemy German bomber carrying newfangled weapons of mass destruction. The Steve then decides the only way to safely dispose of these weapons is through self-sacrifice, so he commits hara-kiri with fire or ice, thereby adopting their new state of charred ash or cryoengulfment whilst their gorgeous, badass girlfriend with a foreign accent watches on in frustration.
But this is all very unnecessary. Allow me to display the evidence and explain how we could save countless Steves in the process.
Steve Rogers in Captain America
In Captain America: the First Avenger, Steve Rogers (the actualy name of Captain America) takes control of a German Hydra bomber carrying nuclear weapons. While this bomber seems set on some form of autopilot that is destined to drop bombs on civilians, it appears that it can be overridden manually by someone at the controls.
The bombs Steve was transporting were not on timers, they could be ejected from the plane without being detonated, and Steve had even shown his ability to pilot these bombs safely to the ground (they were actually more like explosive mini airplanes). Steve’s method of dealing with the problem was grounding the aircraft and killing himself. But did he have to?
First, you might guess he didn’t have time to think the decision through and make a plan. If we assume the bomber was somewhere near Greenland (on the journey from Germany to New York), and it was traveling at the speed of sound, it would still have 3.12 hours to arrive in NY. This even assumes Steve makes no alterations in the aircraft’s course, which of course he was perfectly capable of doing. Bur for now, let’s just assume that Steve had 3 hours to live.
He could have used at least 2 hours to devise an escape plan using the combined talents of the team he was talking to on the radio and his ability to destroy basically anything. Possible escape plans include…
- Jumping from the plane. In later films, Cap uses his shield as, well, a shield, to protect himself from the impact of the water when he jumped out of a plane parachute-less.
- Jettisoning all the bombs except one, then simply piloting the last one safely to the ground and awaiting a rescue crew.
- Wedging the controls in a death spiral, then escaping in a parachute which was probably standard issue on a plane such as that.
But no, the script had ordained that Steve must die. And so he did.
(credit goes to this “How It Should Have Ended” video)
Steve Trevor in Wonder Woman
In Wonder Woman, Steve Trevor takes control of a WWI German bomber loaded with bombs containing a deadly new super-gas on its way to presumably civilian targets. This super-gas is hydrogen based, which evidently meant that it could be stored under extremely high pressures without combusting, but when released, if exposed to any flame whatsoever, it would combust and become inert. It seems like a gas whose weakness is fire would be pretty useless in a warzone where explosions are a dime-a-dozen, but we’ll ignore this little fact for a moment.
Steve’s cargo of mini-Hindenburgs is set on a timer, which will release the gas at the point when the weapons have reached their destination. To prevent this, Steve, after piloting the plane to a safe altitude, shoots out what he must have known was a gas tank. This incinerates the entire bomber, the gas, and Steve.
But it didn’t have to be this way. Steve had plenty of other options. He was flying a plane with weapons timed for release on civilian targets. Considering the slow speed of WWI aircrafts — probably around 120 mph tops — the civilian target was likely at least a half hour away. Therefore, the bombs would have been timed for detonation after about a half hour. It took Steve all of five minutes to take command of the aircraft He could have used his extra twenty-five minutes, along with his experience as a pilot, to find a safe landing zone. Once on the ground, he could have easily detonated the aircraft from afar with his pistol. Or he could have landed the aircraft, lit a candle, then just walked away and watched as the small flame caught hold of the gas. Or he could have flown the bomber over a place where there were no people then let the bombs fall harmlessly.
But no, the script had ordained that Steve must die. And so he did.
#SaveTheSteves
You may have read these two tragic tales and now you want to know what you can do to prevent future disasters. Luckily for you, I’ve thought this through. First, we need to bring awareness to the problem of needlessly dead Steves. If you see a Steve in danger from a situation such as described above, make sure they take a breather and think things through. Remind them that they have a bombass girlfriend who probably deserves better but for some reason is still hanging around. We also need to look into risk factors for suicide such as a suspicious enthusiasm for martyrysm or the “short-back-and-sides-with-a-quiff” haircut.
Never has there been a social movement more worthy of address than this. We must commit ourselves to this idea for the sake of still-living Steves such as Dr. Stephen Strange who has already come close to kamikazeing himself to save the life of others.
We must alert Dr. Steve to the danger he is in and encourage him to get a new haircut.
But as my brother pointed out, I may be going about this all wrong. Maybe it’s not Steves we should worry about, but Chrises. Steve Rogers is played by Chris Evans, and Steve Trevor is played by Chris Pine. Coincidence? I think not.
We can trace the history of actors named Chris suicideing in airplanes back to Star Trek (2009) when Chris Hemsworth killed himself in a burning starship in effort to save the lives of his wife and nascent son.
More recently, we saw Chris Pratt’s close shave with death when he piloted a small starship out into space to save his girlfriend.
Whatever is going on here deserves further review. Whether it is Steves being targeted, or it is Chrises, the unrelenting massacre must be stopped.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering what haircuts Chris Pratt and Chris Hemsworth were sporting in their films…
