Here’s An Opinion: Alicia Keys Doesn’t Have to Wear Makeup, But Men Should Be Forced To

“Here’s An Opinion” is a series of slightly informed takes and silly stances. To be 100% clear, these are jokes.

Alicia Keys stopped wearing makeup, and of course, people on the internet have an opinion about it. After daring to take the stage at the VMAs with (gasp!) her own bare face, internet haters came out in full force to say really constructive things like, “”@aliciakeys looks a F — KING MESS & needs to get TF off the stage,” and “I’m all for natural beauty but Alicia girl you not setting no trend with this no makeup s — t. Put on concealer & call it a day.”

So, great. Now we can’t even agree on a woman’s right to choose her own face.

Keys later clarified that her choice not to wear makeup was just that: her choice. “Y’all, me choosing to be makeup free doesn’t mean I’m anti-makeup. Do you!” she tweeted. Which should have gone without saying. Especially since she already said it, in way more than 140 characters. Back in May, she wrote an essay in Lena Dunham’s Lenny Letter to explain that she quit wearing makeup as a personal decision to free herself from years of insecurities, and to help other women feel confident about making the choice to go without it in a world where (as proven by the VMAs reaction) we’re so often expected and sometimes required to, and even denied jobs and opportunities because our own real friggin’ skin and mouths and eyeballs don’t look “put together” enough on their own.

But some people have just as big a problem when you do wear makeup as when you don’t. There’s a whole slew of MRA nerds out there who’ll say things like, “It’s not fair that women get to wear makeup. They’re hiding their real faces. It’s deceitful.”

OK. Counterpoint: How dumb are you that you’re getting tricked by makeup?

I imagine these dudes going home and writing stuff in their diaries (Reddit forums) like “Merrrrrr I thought her eyes were made out of glitter, but it turns out it’s just eye skin! Booooo, makeup!”

Also…not fair? Who told these dudes they can’t wear makeup? OK, I know, society — but once you get past that, dudes, you can wear makeup. I wish more of you would, I’m tired of looking at your dumb ugly faces.

And you know what dudes can do that women can’t? You can hide your dumb ugly faces with beards. I would much rather grow a beard to hide my dumb ugly face than wear makeup every day. That’d be way easier. You don’t have to think about reapplying your beard throughout the day. You don’t have to worry about leaving beard prints on mugs and glasses everywhere. Nobody’s going to ask you if you’re sick or tired if you’re not wearing your beard. (And for the record, if makeup’s “deceitful,” so are beards. We all know what’s hiding behind those beards: weak chins. The jig is up, fellers!)

So, wear makeup. Or don’t. Or think a lot about why you do or don’t. Unless you’re a dude. Then, you should be legally required to. (See above re: tired of your dumb ugly faces.) And, you’re not allowed to have any of our Sephora points.

Very good! Fair!