Home checklist for undiagnosed personality disorders

Feeling unsettled? Restless? Anxious? Depressed? Are you plagued by persistent prophesies of doom — those that you’ve created? Is it up one minute and down the next? Are you afraid you’re outright delusional?

It’s time to break it all down and start categorizing. Before you consider outside treatment and go in there all stumbling and staggering, know what you’re dealing with:

Do you hear alarm bells in your head — things like air raid alerts, sirens, car horns, a wake-up call (you’re not sleeping), fog horns? And you don’t actually hear them it’s more like you feel them. And they’re there all the time. Except when they stop, and they do stop. They stop at shocking moments; out of nowhere. There’s a small space in a way, of quiet and emptiness. You feel as if you might be losing your mind and then you realize this is peace. It happens every now and again. The purpose is to make you darn tootin’ aware that this isn’t what you have.

Somebody somewhere needs you and you have to get to them. It could be your lover, your son, your very best friend. There’s a phone call incoming and you can’t get to it — you’re in a meeting with your boss; you’re on the subway and you just lost service. There’s a text that didn’t go through, an email that went to your spam (you check). Somewhere one of the very important people in your life needs your help and you’re failing them right now because, as in a dream, you can’t identify where or even who they are. But don’t stop trying, no, don’t for anything.

You have: anxiety. (Implement deep breathing; take care not to hyperventilate.)

But it’s probably too late anyway. There’s no use in trying. The jig was up before you even started. It’s not even that you’re sad it’s just that you’re walking under water. There’s such resistance to everything you try to do. You’re defeated by the dishes in the sink — they’ve got you again. They win. You lose. Again. Look at the whole joyful, colorful world that you’re not part of. Look out your window if you must ’cause you’re not going out there. God dang, that sun is bright. Put the blinds down, just a little. That sun reminds you of things, like when you cared. Shrug and laugh (bitterly) — pick up the 999th book on the holocaust you’ve read recently. It confirms your views on humanity. And you are sad. Why try to tell yourself you’re not? Because out of the corner of your eye you just caught of glimpse of that picture of you and your mother at the zoo. You were eight. Your smile practically covers the picture. She looks so, so lovingly at you. You were like that all the time, you and your mother. She wanted you to be happy. A choking sob threatens to cut off your breath. Your phone rings. You’re startled out of your ever-loving skin. No one really calls you — everybody you know texts … except … it is her!

You are: totally depressed. (Get help immediately.)

You know it’s going to be one of those days when you wake up and your whole body is buzzing. It’s also four a.m. Make coffee first thing — it’s instinctual. Whoops. It’s the strongest coffee you’ve ever concocted in your life. Never mind!!!! Everything will be fine, more than fine. You sensed it the second you woke up. Read most of the New York Times. It takes you about an hour. You’ll have plenty to talk about today and oh, boy, will you be talking. It’s still too early to go to work. Maybe you should book a trip. Wait. You’re out of paid time off. F*ck that job. Start working on your resume again. It’s seven pages long but you’ll do editing later. You’re just trying to get the information from both your jobs down first. Holy crap. If you want to go running before work you’d better get going. You can’t find your running shoes. Wait. You don’t have any. You don’t jog. It’s not something you do. Never mind!!!! Anyone can make a mistake. It was just a little lapse. There’s nothing wrong with you. And so you called your brother in California? You forgot about the time difference? Boy was he pissed. And so you called back a second time to explain? And then one more time to see if he was still mad (he was)? Well, don’t dwell on it too long because you’ve got to bake those cookies you said you’d bring to work. Isn’t that why you got up this early? You forgot for a minute, didn’t you? Everything’s going so fast. You’d better wipe down the inside of the refrigerator before you get started. That’s right. Get a little bucket. Put some dish soap in it. That water’s so nice and warm. Oh, wow, the sun came up. Look at that. The sky is so pink. It’s sooooooo beautiful. You LOVE the city. You love it with all your heart …

You are: on a manic jag. (Cut up credit cards now.)

Swallow that feeling that they’re talking about you. Your boss and your manager had their door closed. But there’s a whole staff. They could be talking about anyone. They could even be talking about that meeting that’s coming up, where your entire company has to get its license renewed. You just got back to your desk but go see again if the door’s still closed. It is. Sh*t! Go back to your desk again. Wait. Could they have seen you walk by — twice? No. They had the paper covering the window. Didn’t they? Go check again. You have to. Jesus! Your manager walks out. Yeah, yeah. Just say hi. He said hi to you. He even smiled. Did you smile back? Play the whole thing again in your mind — run the video. When you get to the bathroom — which is where you immediately ditched — redo the encounter in the mirror. He said hi and smiled at you and then you smiled like this … was that how it was or was it more like this? Decide that if it was like one of those two options then you pretty much passed the test — this time. Give yourself a little pat on the back and go back to your desk. No, you don’t have to use the bathroom. How ridiculous. How many times do you go in the bathroom and actually have to use it? Well, not many, because you usually just go in there to freak out. Besides, you don’t like to touch anything. Open the door with your foot, as usual. Yes, you just washed your hands. They’re very clean and safe and pure. Oh, wow, the boss’s door is open now. They’re going over the binders, everybody’s work binders. Sh*t! Re-envision yours. Play that whole video in your mind. Every single paper was impeccable because you made damn sure every single paper was impeccable. You stayed late every night for a week aligning the edges. But what did you write? You know what you wrote. Or do you? What if that other self took over in the middle of it? But you checked it a hundred times. But was it you or was it the other self checking it? How can you be sure? Maybe you have to ask to see it again. You could go in there right now. You could just explain everything …

You have: OCD and mild paranoia. (Just stop now — and do not go in there.)

Please note: This is a partial list only. The home checklist will be continued at a later date (after a brief hospitalization of the writer — just a little rest and check-in).