HOW TO MAKE SURE YOUR RELATIONSHIP LASTS DURING FANTASY FOOTBALL SEASON
If you’re like me, it begins with a taste in July. A few peeks at some rankings on a vacation plane ride or perusing player updates at the beach or checking the recent activity of your keeper league site instead of the fireworks display at your 4th of July party. But by August, it’s quickly turned into a mind bending addiction more powerful than felony level narcotics. (Seriously, there’s research to prove this. Thanks a lot, Men’s Health magazine.) That’s right. Fantasy football is back and nothing else in the world matters. I’ll be the first to admit that by this point all I want to do is eat, sleep, and consume fantasy news. The other day I was seriously listening to The Fantasy Footballers podcast while watching NFL Network and reading stats on my phone. Now, if this was a few years ago, back in my frigid single days, this would be totally acceptable behavior even if frowned upon by mental health professionals. But these days I find myself in a red hot relationship. (HUZZAH!) And bully for me if she doesn’t like football to boot! Sadly though, she’s like most females. A casual fan. She doesn’t understand or “get” the important work that is my fantasy football leagues and what they mean to not only me BUT SOCIETY ITSELF! Okay, me and my oaf-ish, washed up friends, at least. And so, the arguments and disappointed looks ensue. Fantasy football can be a definite strain on a relationship, and I know I’m not alone in this sentiment. Well, if you’ve found yourself in the doghouse like I have for being a little too obsessed with men catching and throwing footballs, you’re in luck! I’ve created a list of 5 easy ways to keep your relationship on stable ground and keep you on your phone blissfully looking for that perfect QB to stream without a peep about it from you know who.
#1. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF PRESEASON. Let’s get one thing straight. Preseason doesn’t tell you as much as you think it does. So, while you think you’re some expert doing his due diligence watching Jacksonville’s fourth string QB in the waning moments of the 4th to see if you can figure out their target distribution, you’re actually being an idiot. Even though there’s football, there’s not really football. You’re not missing much. Take advantage of August and take your significant other out on the weekends while you still have them. Not only that, do something special. Has she mentioned a restaurant she’s wanted to check out? Take her there. Been awhile since you’ve seen a sunset together? Do it. I know you hate dancing, but TAKE HER DANCING, YOU FOOL! Soon, you won’t want to sacrifice any time for these activities, but you’ll have these banked for at least the first month of the season. Any time she wants to complain about not having a “date night” recently. You can respond, “Um, yeah we did. We went to Bestia three weeks ago. We did bone marrow shots. You loved it, remember?” Boom! In her face. You SO CARE about this relationship.
#2. SHIRK YOUR WORK RESPONSIBILITIES. Look, you only have so much time in a day. So, with the increased amount of lineup tinkering, stat reading, fantasy podcast listening, something has to give. Don’t let that be your time with your significant other. Let it be ON THE COMPANY. You already love taking a dump on company time, this is the next logical step. Chances are, you’re already on your computer any way. So, punch the clock, hit that NEW TAB button, and get all your fantasy business taken care of while you’re ACTUALLY taking care of real business. If you’re as good at your job as you are at fantasy football, your boss isn’t going to care like your significant other will. So, have your lineup set or waiver wire picked before that commute home. And if you’re a drive home podcast listener and you need to make some tweaks based off their info, you’re in a great position because all you need to make are just that, TWEAKS. Now, you can eat hummus and watch Netflix together on the couch like it’s not even football season.
#3. “GO TO THE GYM!” Okay, so your boss is a real ball buster and keeps you too busy to delve into TE sleepers from 9 to 5. Don’t fret. There’s a good chance if you’re super into fantasy football then you’re not super into your health, which means you’ve got the perfect fantasy misdirect: “going to the gym.” No significant other is going to complain about their partner getting their cardio on. In fact, you’ll probably be PRAISED for it! Even if this means all you’re really doing is walking 3 miles an hour on a treadmill watching highlights on the NFL Mobile app. It’s a valid excuse to get that quality fantasy time you need to win that championship. Is this deceitful? Technically not if you actually make the effort to go to the gym. But if you start really feeling bad about, a fantasy podcast is the perfect listen while burning off that Reuben and pitcher of beer you had for lunch. It’s mind and body win-win!
#4. SKIP A SUNDAY OR TWO FOR HER. Okay, okay. I know. I know. I’ve just lost some of you. We only get 17 glorious weeks of football a year and even worse, only 16 of them are usually fantasy relevant. So, why would you want to give up any of those precious days to “go for a hike” or worse “have brunch with her friends”? Because let’s be honest. She owns you. And it’s important to know that no matter what you do to not be in the midst of fantasy related relationship friction, it’s going to happen. It’s part of life. Like Brady’s suspension or Sanchez’s “butt fumble.” You just need to learn to live with it and move on. Don’t be selfish! I’m not talking about thinking of her. I’m talking about thinking of the fantasy players past. This is 2016! Do you know how easy it is to access fantasy scores and highlights on the go compared to yesteryear? I don’t even know how people lived before live scoring! So, just thank your lucky stars that a) someone attractive is actually sleeping with you b) you can check that score in the men’s room of that museum you got dragged to.
#5. BREAK UP WITH HER. How into her are you really? Is she really “the one”? Are you going to take her home to Mom and Dad? If you’re not in a rock solid relationship to begin with, it’s not even worth the headache of marginalizing your fantasy season for someone who might not pan out. So be a man and drop her. We are only given this one sweet fantasy life and it’s not worth wasting it on a girl you wouldn’t take a flier on in the last round of the draft. Your dating life deserves someone who has won your heart and you want to keep for years to come. Like an Antonio Brown or Julio Jones. Heck, at least a Ryan Fitzpatrick. Someone worth giving it a go for one more season because you both know there’s something there to build on, so why not see what happens? Treat yourself right!
Hopefully with these quick tips, you’ll continue your path to your next anniversary. And if you aren’t married, hopefully you’ll both be getting rings in the near future. Only yours won’t be given to you by your stupid nephew as the ring bear, it’ll be bestowed to you by the fantasy gods.
