I Am An American Pigeon Racer, Who Dares Challenge Me?

My name is Brent Knuch, and I am an American Pigeon racer. Pigeon racing is sport popular among Chinese elite, where a group of people set their pigeons free and track how fast they fly home. I watched a Vice documentary on it. I have decided to claim this sport for America, now who dares challenge me?

3/6/17: Today I approached the old man feeding pigeons by the park. I was sure that this was his pigeon dojo, and perhaps I could buy a pigeon from this breeder. He kindly informed me that the pigeons were of public property, free for anyone to use as they please. Like a library I figure. I scooped up one of the pigeons and was on my way.

3/7/17: I had been training my pigeon when I decided it was time for a break. I went to the Whole Foods around the corner with Marcus the Pigeon. It was set to be a routine Whole Foods trip simply picking up Kombucha and my own self loathing, when out of the corner of my eye I saw a pigeon perched on the Cheddar Bunny display! I quickly scrambled backwards and scanned around the aisle for its owner. Who dare challenge me, Brent Knuch, to an American Pigeon Race? I yelled “Who’s pigeon is this?” at the top of my lungs. Whole foods security then promptly escorted me out of the building. It is only safe to assume that the pigeon belonged to none other than John Mackey, the CEO of Whole Foods. He must’ve been too intimidated to accept my Pigeon Race challenge.

3/10/17: I have now recruited 3 other pigeons and built a state of the art Pigeon facility. Together we form, Brent Knuch’s Pigeon Team. The pigeons are very happy in their high tech facility but unfortunately I still have not found anyone to race me. I wonder if there’s a bird polio going around. For now I will continue to train them. One of my favorite pigeon training techniques is having them fly up and down the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, a la Rocky Balboa. Sometimes we venture to the more rural areas and find some feral pigeons, who we try to avoid. All they care about is food. No pride or glory with those pigeons.

3/12/17: I was doing my morning routines today when out of foggy distance came the man who initially told me about the the free pigeons. He said that I was ready, and that indeed he did have pigeons for sale. I was excited, his pigeons looked healthy much less rat like than mine. I wanted to be sure that his pigeons were the real deal, so I challenged him to a race. He accepted and we lined our pigeons up for take off. At the starting gun his pigeons beelined away and mine were far more interested in the pizza on the ground. I was disappointed that my public domain pigeons were not as capable as I had assumed, but excited to be able to purchase champion pigeons. “Inform me of the prices, pigeon man” I said. He said “$500,000”, and with that I promptly gathered up Marcus and his friends and left. Needless to say, Brent Knuch is now retired from pigeon racing. I guess it’s not about hard work or heart in this sport, its about money.

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I’m serious.