I am mortified by the event, action, news or political thing that happened this week.
Here’s the perfect virtue signaling Facebook rant for almost any situation.
Look, you guys, you know me, I’m a totally rational person, but the event, action, news or political thing that happened this week was so mortifying I feel sick to my stomach, and even though I may not fully understand the implications since I have next to no practical knowledge of the event, action, news or political thing, I know from the bottom of my heart that this is practically as bad as if the personified end of all life as we know it had a baby with the Apocalypse. This event, action, news or political thing will go down in history as a turning point, and historians will obviously be talking about the event, action, news or political thing as the biggest mistake ever in human history, without a question. Unless I agree with the event, action, news or political thing that happened this week, in which case you can reverse everything I said above.
Now, I know this is a highly controversial statement that is sure to offend almost nobody on my friends list which is a perfectly curated bubble of an echo chamber, but for those three old high school friends that I haven’t talked to since senior prom and that weird uncle that I only see at Thanksgiving dinner, I will seriously unfriend you if you post anything that I disagree with in relation to this event, action, news or political thing. I can’t have that kind of negativity, bigotry, ignorance, victim mentality, and/or fragility in my life. In this time of abject sorrow, we must all come together, and the last thing we need are opinions that might make us feel icky and/or remind us that there are people outside our bubble who might feel differently than we do. I am so damn serious. I don’t want negativity, and I know that by writing this, the 99.999% of my friends who agree with me on every issue will like and or love this post and make me feel like I’ve done my part to make the world a better place, while simultaneously reaffirming that my views are flawless since you all clearly agree. Except for those four people that might disagree. And to those four of you, I say, I don’t hate you, I love you, but seriously you’re wrong about everything you’ve ever said and every thought you’ve ever had, and if you recommended a restaurant to eat at, I would picket it on principle. You know what? Screw it. I’m unfriending you anyway…because I’m seriously not looking for more drama in my life, and because I think I’ll win social points from the rest of my social network by writing that I did it. And isn’t that really the point?
But first, before I unfriend you, I have to get something off my chest. My feed the past few weeks has been a swamp of hatred and cry-babies and drama and meme postings and fake news (except for the fake news I agree with, that fake news is cool). This behavior seriously needs to stop. All you people whining need to accept that the event, action, news or political thing is final. It happened. We need to accept that. I know that now. Clearly you’re living in a bubble just as echo-chambery as mine if you think otherwise. I remember a time when Facebook was a place for posting what I had for lunch, or a pic of that puppy that looked stoned, but it’s turned into this battlefield where everyone has to take sides. This needs to stop. We need to stop all this bickering. We are one people. One nation. One Facebook social network under God/and or science. We need to understand we’re not all that different, as long as you haters give up the horrible indefensible views you have. Am I right guys? Like this post if you agree. Love this if you hella agree. Give me a sad guy emoji if it makes you sad at how stupid those other people who aren’t my friends can be.
I pray that one day we can reach across aisles, and find common ground, by which I mean, I hope the rest of the world comes around to seeing things my way. It’s not that hard to do. John Lennon and or Ayn Rand had a quote I would put here if I could remember it, and I’ve probably misattributed the quote to them anyway.
Because of this event, action, news or political thing, I’ve decided to take a break from social media and or leave the country and or dedicate my life to fight/support this event, action, news or political thing. You guys know me, I’m serious. When I say I’m doing something, I’m gonna do it. So Goodbye cruel world. Goodbye facebook. Goodbye. Maybe forever.
My Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and Periscopes will remain active.
