I don’t want you to see my intimate face.

And it’s not what you think.

Have you ever looked something up on your laptop while video chatting with a friend? I have, and it makes me uncomfortable. Because when I look into the computer screen I react. And I am uncensored. My facial expressions change constantly according to what I am seeing or doing. If I am scrolling down on facebook and you are looking at me through the webcam, you may notice the small furrows of tensions that last less then a second when I see somebody has started a new internship. What the hell am I doing with my life? You may notice my lips purse for a microsecond when I read an article that makes me angry or a sadness if it’s one of the days when I look at the feed and feel that my life just isn’t ‘happening’ enough.

These reactions are immediate and well-contained, only noticeable to my computer or to you, the person on the other side of the video chat. If I am reading articles or working, you would probably see me bite my lips in frustration, pull my eyebrows together in thought, suck in my lips while pausing to think. And if I was writing? It’s way worse. You would see my writing face.

Now just for a second there, imagine a scenario in which someone had access to your screen and you, through the webcam, at the same time. Now that person would be able to see you react to everything and see what you are reacting to. If you are reading something they would know what’s making you angry and what’s making you sad. They would know what made you stressed and what made you cheery. They could probably pick out what made you uncomfortable and what made you scared. If you were writing, they would know where you got stuck and after seeing what you wrote and what you had been feeling, he may figure out why. Not only would they know what you are accessing (as if that invasion of privacy is not enough), but also why you are doing so and what you are feeling. It’s not hard to conjecture motivations when you have raw immediate reactions.

So when I think about something that is just way too intimate, it’s this. We have a relationship to the world and half of it occurs through the screen. The above scenario is one of the most blatant invasions of privacy possible. Such access and insight can lay a person bare: you don’t just have information about the person. You see the person. It’s exposing. It’s revealing. And honestly? If I was in such a position, I would rather have someone see me do it.

The face I show the screen? That’s my most intimate face. And if you think about it, it might just be yours too.

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