I Told My Girlfriends I don’t Want To get Married and A Black Hole Opened Up

Hey, Guys! It’s me, Michelle…. your average, quirky NIGHTMARE. So, I have a bit of a confession to make. Prepare yourselves, because the last time I said this something huge — CATASTROPHIC — happened. I, a happy go-lucky 23 year old woman, do not… want to get…… married. WAIT! Did you, dear reader, hear that? Was that an earthquake? No, the world just shook. Let’s take a page out of Harry Potter’s book and call my decision “that which must not be named” so as not to disturb the Earth’s precious balance again.

But how does “that which must not be named” correlate to a black hole? It all started last week when my girls and I were catching up with a bottle of Pinot Grig’. The subject of marriage came up and I made the unthinkable mistake of starting off a sentence with the word “If.” I should have stopped once I saw everyone’s eyes go wide with terror, but something in me wanted to say “ I’ve got the bod of a girl who works out 3 times a week, but the heart of the old man from the 2006 cartoon ‘Monster House’.” So I said that maybe that chapter of life just wasn’t for me.

My friends immediately responded with uplifting comments like “Don’t give up hope, you’re only twenty-three” and “You’re pretty, you’ll meet someone eventually.” And sure, I’ve never held up a mirror to my face and had it shatter, but I really don’t see how that had anything to do with my choice; that which must not be named. So I just said it. And that’s when all hell broke loose. My friends gasped a universal gasp so loud, so rhythmic, one would think it was rehearsed. They sucked up so much air that they created a dark void within the room. Everything went black and I’m preeeettttyyy sure the Earth stood still. I’m still waiting to hear back from NASA about the specifics. Despite this little hiccup, I’m still sticking with my plan.

I know what you’re thinking, but who will get my dowry? Fear not, for I have none to give. I will live penniless with me, myself, and my four dogs— each named after a different Golden Girl . I understand that my choice may alter life as we know it, but I just really want to live my truth.

Michelle is an actor, writer, and comedian currently based in NYC. She is also a UCB Diversity Scholar, improviser, and a lame nerd. For more info, please visit WWW.MichelleDriscoll.info or follow @elledriscoll on twitter.