I Was Really Taken Aback By Some of the Questions Giuliana Rancic Asked Me On the Red Carpet

In light of some recent dissent by frequent red-carpet walkers, we have seen some diminution in the prevalence of questions regarding what and who an individual is wearing on any given awards-show red carpet. (see e.g., Elisabeth Moss giving the finger to the “mani-cam” at the 2014 Golden Globes; and Amy Schumer letting everyone know she was wearing “Vivian Westwood, Tom Ford shoes and an OB tampon” on the 2016 Emmy red carpet.) Additionally, hashtags like “#askhermore” and #smartgirlsask” have prompted some red carpet interviewers to ask additional, more substantive questions of awards show attendees; questions regarding creativity and values and dreams.

Nonetheless, fashion remains prevalent on the red carpet. And viewers remain intrigued by their favorite stars’ sartorial choices. And what is couture if not itself a valuable art form? Furthermore, and lastly, 2016 Oscars host Chris Rock seemed to put the punctuation mark on our misplaced preoccupation with our preoccupation with “who are you wearing?” when he said, “Not everything is sexism, not everything is racism. They ask the men [on the Red Carpet] more because the men are all wearing the same outfits. If George Clooney showed up with a lime green tux on and a swan coming out his ass, someone would go, ‘What you wearing, George?’”

So I came to this awards show red carpet fully expecting and fully prepared to answer questions regarding who and what I was wearing. And little else. I had my response down. “Thank you so much. I’m wearing a Giambattista Valli Haute Couture dress and I feel like a princess; the jewelry is by Chopard and I’m holding a Roger Vivier clutch; the shoes are from Jimmy Choo.”

Imagine my dismay when Giuliana Rancic, host of “E!’s Fashion Police” approaches me and — with nary a glance at my outfit and nary a bit of introduction concerning the fine work I did in my feature film — asks me, “What are the things that stand between you and complete happiness?” I was caught completely off guard! I look around and see Reese Witherspoon (in an aubergine dress by Narciso Rodriguez) and give her a look which clearly says “Come save me!” but Reese gives me back a knowing look that says “No fucking way.” So, relying solely on my wits, I respond: “I would say the only thing between me and my happiness is MYSELF! It may sound crazy but it’s the truth. I am just one step away from happiness but taking that one step feels like it would be an odyssey. Why? Because I lack the motivation and conviction to take that one step. [At this point, I did shift my stance and display my Jimmy Choo spiky red heels for the camera.] I’ve suffered an unbearable amount of pain and I am fed up with feeling depressed and guilty all the time, so I am ready to decide and say ENOUGH. I have nothing to lose I am ready to flip the happiness switch.”

Giuliana was nodding interestedly as I provided my responses. But then, in a complete non-sequitur, she asks, “Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing and why?” I think I was careful not to appear too shocked at this. I really just wanted to talk about how my son helped me choose between the Giambattista Valli Haute Couture dress I was wearing and the Alexander McQueen Atelier dress I almost wore. Like an asshole, I said, “My cousin. Because she is closest in age to me.” What the fuck kind of answer is that? I must have appeared to be such a self-absorbed asshole. I should have said, “My son. I hate to even say it that’s how bad it would be for me. Because he is such a smart funny awesome easygoing likeable person. Because he has such a promising future ahead of him. If that ever happened I would just give up on life. It chokes me up just to even think about it.” Then I could have looked into the camera and said “I love you sweetie!” and blown him a kiss. And then said, “If you’re watching this it’s past your bedtime!” But whatever. It’s water under the bridge.

So I just answered two out-of-left-fucking-field questions posited to me by Giuliana Rancic and I start to walk away. She touches me gently on the elbow, the elbow connected to the hand holding my Roger Vivier clutch, and asks, “There’s a lot of bad news on TV every day. The world is in chaos. How can there be a God?” Whoa! Giuliana Rancic getting all ecumenical on my ass! I replied, calmly, “Much of life may seem uncertain, but look at what we can count on day after day: gravity remains consistent, a hot cup of coffee left on a counter will get cold, the earth rotates in the same 24 hours, and the speed of light doesn’t change — on earth or in galaxies far from us. How is it that we can identify laws of nature that never change? Why is the universe so orderly, so reliable?” Giuliana Rancic seems pleased by this. But again, I could have and should have said, “How does this chiffon overlay drape over my curves so effortlessly? How do these hand-sewn sequins completely complement my skin-tone? How does this strapless dress adhere to my boobs so adroitly?”

This question sort of got to me. I make it clear to Giuliana Rancic that it’s time for me to move on, to go talk to Michael Strahan. Then Giuliana Rancic says, “Just one more question. For fun.” Relieved and smiling, I exhale and wait for the question for which I’ve yearned, the question about my dress. Or jewelry. Or shoes. But Giuliana Rancic, straight-faced mind you, asks, “What is the worst religion?” What the actual fuck Giuliana Rancic? I can’t even imagine the look of incredulity on my face. (But I did DVR “E!’s Fashion Police: 2017 Red Carpet Special” and I will go back to watch it). But then Giuliana Rancic says, “Ha! Just kidding. But for real this time, and just for fun. What is your favorite Bible verse?” Exasperated and eager to get away from Giuliana Rancic, get into the auditorium and take my seat between Lupita Nyong’o (in Prada) and Scarlett Johansson (in Givenchy), I just say off the top of my head, “Ezekiel Chapter 16 verses 10–13. ‘I also clothed you with embroidered cloth and put sandals of porpoise skin on your feet; and I wrapped you with fine linen and covered you with silk. I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your hands and a necklace around your neck. I also put a ring in your nostril, earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your dress was of fine linen, silk and embroidered cloth You ate fine flour, honey and oil; so you were exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty.’”

Giuliana Rancic nodded approvingly and then said, “Thank you so much. You look great. Best of luck tonight.” I managed a meek “Thank you”, sidestepped around Bradley Cooper (in Tom Ford) to seek solace in Ryan Seacrest.