I Went For a Run This Morning and Now I’m Better Than You
It’s true.
This morning, I woke up at 5:30am. Now, I know what you’re thinking — that I must be an ER doctor or a very important morning news anchor. In reality, I’m just an Average Joe like you, except I’m better than you, because after I got up, I went for a run.
You probably had a cup of coffee, toasted a bagel, watched the traffic report, or better yet, a TED talk on getting your shit together (which you desperately need to do, obviously), put on your un-tailored pants and maybe even donned a (purely decorative) belt.
Not me. This morning, I put on a pair of Lululemon leggings, which were sold to me by Chad, part-time sales associate and model. I grabbed a pullover from T.J. Maxx, my heaviest duty sports bra from Target, and a pair of Nike cross-trainers that I got for, like, $50 at Nordstrom Rack. In other words, my leggings cost more than the rest of my outfit, but that’s the price I pay for looking this good.
After stuffing your undeserving face, you probably got into your car, probably to avoid walking to work. Don’t give me that “it’s too far” bullshit. If you got up three hours earlier, you’d make it. #noexcuses
I, on the other, more dominant hand, walked to the local park, where I did a walk-jog-hyperventilate circuit around the track. The only other people out were fellow runners, who were all hot and skinny. Y’know, birds of a feather.
You maybe stopped by Dunkin or Starbucks or — if you’re especially masochistic — McDonald’s, picked up some garbage to guzzle down in traffic. Look, I get it. Just kidding, I don’t. I am above temptation. I’m a runner. Have you been paying attention?
I stopped occasionally, to take a swig of water, or cry, or catch my breath. I would’ve powered through, but I didn’t want a sports injury. They’re very common for athletes like me.
By the time you got to work, to make money for sitting as still as possible for eight hours, I camouflaged my tears in the shower, before getting dressed in my very small clothes, and heading to work — just like you. So, chin up; we’re not that different, after all. I’m just better.
