If Lorelai Gilmore Was Your Stars Hollow Frenemy
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, you’d order two burgers and three sides at Luke’s Diner, and eat it all, even if you were full after the first burger. “Oh my God,” you’d say with a mouth full of burger. “I love fries and I would never jog.” Afterwards you’d go home and collapse on the floor, unsure if you should vomit or let the nausea pass. You’ll secretly get up at 5 am the next day to run off all the calories you consumed.
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, you’d learn how to jitterbug, roll in a barrel, shoot a revolutionary war musket and become a troubadour, just in case these skills were needed for another town event.
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, you’d try to make your trip to the grocery store sound like a wild adventure, instead of just a lonely excursion to buy more nacho supplies.
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, you’d volunteer with one of those organizations that allows you to mentor a teen girl. Then you’d knit each other matching scarves and make her take a tap dancing class, until they decided you were no longer allowed around children.
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, you’d spend more money on hair care products than most people spend on food.
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, you’d learn all the words to John Hughes movies, reference obscure pop songs and know how to Nae Nae. “What’s your damage, Heather?” you’d say to yourself in the mirror over and over, until you said it in the perfect tone. Then you’d wait with bated breath to fit it into the conversation.
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, you’d complain about your crazy mother all the time, even if she was just a nice lady from the Midwest. Every night you’d pray for Lorelai to lose it one day and stab Emily Gilmore with a letter opener.
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, you’d tell everyone your middle name was Clementine Mulderbug, claiming it was a family name.
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, you’d brag about how wild you were in high school, even if you mostly got A’s and collected doll figurines. “I had a pregnancy scare twice,” you’d whisper around town, even though you didn’t lose your virginity until college.
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, you’d try to get Michel to join your organic honey farm and smoothie emporium. You’d be humiliated when he turns you down.
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, you’d smile so hard your teeth hurt and clap until your hands bleed when she’s crowned the Stars Hollow Winter Coronation and Fruit Harvest Queen. Even though she wasn’t even in the running. “You deserve it,” you’d say when you hug her for too long, her bouquet of flowers poking you in the sternum.
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, you’d hate snow. You’d claim to like fall the best.
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, you’d write romantic fan fiction about Luke Danes, even if the whole backwards baseball cap look wasn’t doing it for you sexually.
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, you’d gleefully tell everyone that Rory couldn’t spend her first night at college without her mommy. Then you’d deny it when Lorelai confronted you about it.
If Lorelai Gilmore was your frenemy, she’d walk around a Stars Hollow blizzard in a stylish thin coat and a cute beanie, and she’d never get cold. You’d wear a down coat and freeze to death.
- This was inspired by The Toast (RIP). Or less inspired by but written for The Toast, then rejected.
