I’m an awful person behind the wheel

Not everyone, but a lot of people I know are angry drivers. Myself included. It’s hard to remember the exact words I use out loud or in my head, but I thought it would be enjoyable to try and list some of the heckles I emit while driving:

• When behind a driver with a handicap symbol on their license plate: “Oh great, another genius. You’re handicapped alright. Handicapped in the head!”
• When behind someone who approaches a yellow light too slow: “You idiot. We could’ve both made that light if you would’ve kept your speed. Now we gotta wait an extra two minutes.”
• When behind someone who takes forever to accelerate: “The gas pedal is located on the bottom right…nope that’s your brake. Why the fuck are you braking?! The light’s green!”
• When someone cuts me off: “Nice. Thanks a lot fuckface. You’re adopted, your parents don’t even love you.”
• When someone tailgates me: “Look pal, I always go at least five miles over the speed limit. That’s a respectable speed. Stop riding my ass I don’t love you like that. I don’t love you at all in fact.”
• When stuck behind a truck in the left lane on the highway: “Seriously?! You fucking moron. You’re not even going the speed limit! The right lane is made for people like you! Thanks for inconveniencing my day.”
• When behind a bicyclist who’s in the street when there’s a perfectly good sidewalk he should be on: “Okay so I know you feel like you deserve to use the road too, but it’s hard to accept that when all I have to do is speed up five miles to take you out of existence. Get the fuck out of my way. That spandex getup of yours isn’t doing you any favors.”
• When behind a senior citizen: “Hey congrats on living this long. Aw! Aren’t you adorable! You should probably push down on the gas pedal every once in a while though. Some of us don’t know what it’s like to retire at 65 and admire every fucking blade of grass we drive by.”
• When behind a senior citizen part 2: “Do you even know where the fuck you are?! You look extremely confused. Like you just won at bingo or something and you forgot what bingo is.”
• When behind someone on a motorcycle who’s driving too slow: “Your life is a lie. I thought bikers were supposed to be speed demons?? You’re a disgrace to your kind. Also that motorcycle makes you look fat.”
• When behind someone who leaves their blinker on: “Excuse me sir and or ma’am, (it’s 2016 you never know) technically you can turn that way. You’re going to end up in a ditch if you do.” Also this: