It’s Just a A Pussy Hat…Why Does it keep Getting Me In So Much Trouble?

So in these crazy political times…when we all feel so helpless…when little things we can do to actually make a statement crop up…I say jump on them…which is what I did with the Pussy Hat Project!

https://www.pussyhatproject.com

Who Knew it would Put My own “P” in so much Peril???

How could I not include a Pussy Galore reference….is there a Man, Woman, or Child Who has not snickered at the name Pussy Galore….if you said no you are lying!!!

Also if you say you have never laughed at a Pussy Willow you are also a big fat liar….Just sayin….

Pussy Hat Peril Incident #1

So Basically my contribution to the Pussy hat project was to crochet a bunch of said Hats and donate them to women at the Women’s Marches so that they wouldn’t have to give money to the big businesses who had caught wind of the Pussy Hat Phenomenon and started manufacturing them…thus trying to cash in on some Pussy Madness…I thought it was genius….until..

I just want to ask before we get into this story…is there anything in this basket of yarn that cries “Hot Girl on Girl Orgy Madness? Yes i am foreshadowing…

I took myself to the craft store and loaded up a basket with tons of pink yarn. I noticed a bland looking middle aged gentleman staring at me…soon he approached me…

Man: That’s a lot of pink yarn you have there…are you making a blanket?

Me: Actually I am not. I am making Pussy Hats! I’m pretty excited about it.

Man: Well now I am too! Tell me more about these Pussy Hats!

Well I was excited. So nice to find a man who is a feminist! Especially one who looked more like he was going to go hunt something and bring it back to his man cave….it was like Feminist Surprise!

Me: Sure: Women all over are crocheting Pussy hats for…

Man: Wait let me get this straight…so you gals all get together and talk about these Pussy Hats…like a bunch of gals and Pussy…

Me: Well some of it is done over the internet!

Man: Really wow this is glorious…I would love that link. I am intrigued by this…are men allowed to come/watch?

Me: Sure we love it when men get involved with our Pussy Hats! That is a pleasant surprise!

Man: REALLY THIS IS FANTASTIC….Hey tell you what. I am going to give you my card. How about we get together and you can tell me all about these Pussy Hat Gatherings.

Me: Um…well I’m not sure I…

Man: And bring a bunch of your gal pals…but you can leave off the hats…just bring your Pussies…

Sigh

Since I awas pretty sure this is what was cming next I turned tail and ran…right into the notions department…He just seemed like a Weiner Flasher…doncha think?

I ran and hid from my new “feminist” pal, finished my pussy hat supply shopping and headed out to the parking lot where where I saw him getting into a pickup truck with this decal!

SHOCKING! And yes he sure is doing his part to “Make America Great Again.” Stellar!

I bet you did not think this story would have a place for Naked Lenny Kravitz…to that I say…”When is it not a time for Naked Lenny Kravitz?”

Pussy Hat Peril Incident #2

AKA “The Secret Yoga Class Nobody EVER Speaks of…to Boys”

So I was kind of shaken up by my Pussy Peril #1 and decided the best place to destress would be a Yoga class…I checked the schedule for my usual Yoga studio and there were no classes at the time I wanted to go…but then I remembered that my friend had told me about this amazing class she had taken…so I fished the schedule for the place she had gone to out of my purse and sure enough I could make the next class.

I happened to notice on the card that she had scribbled “Wear your Pussy hat and they will guide you to the right class!” Of course I thought that meant that I was going to be in a Yoga Class where we would also have some heated political discussion up front!!!

I AM A BIG STUPID HEAD

Look carefully…they are all looking at her…well think of the title of this story and just say the word that gos in front of hat.

I walked in wearing my hat and there was a very hipster neckbeardy guy at the front desk who looked me up and down, glanced up at my hat, got a little secret smile, squirted some hand sanitizer in my hands and gave me some mimeish instructions which included a rather thorough sanitizing and said…

“Go down the back hallway and ask for “Nimbia Starlight,” and be open…in every way. Namaste”

In retrospect I should have left then…lets do the math…

1. Leering knowing look from Neck Beard
2. Intense sanitizing ritual
3. Dark Hallway that involved a code word…
4. Instructions to “Be Open In Every Way.”

I Should have left then…

Would you trust him?

But I really needed a Yoga class…also at this point I was curious. I am not sure if you know this…but I am a writer. What the hell right? How bad could it be?

Spoiler Alert…it could be bad!

After making my way down the dark hallway, uttering the keyword, and indicating that I have sanitized…I am ushered into what looks like a perfectly normal Yoga class…lovely group of gals all stretching on their mats. Phew nothing to see here!

Until the buzzer rang

This my friends is apparrantly a “Secret Pussy Stuff Alarm.”

Once that buzzer sounded a tiny little nymph of a woman…I am assuming “Nimbia Starlight,” comes darting into the room, closes all the blinds, locks the door, and holds the international shush finger symbol up to her lips. Some of the gals in the room start to giggle in glee and clap their hands!!! At which point Nimbia dances to the front of the room and exclaims…

“Yay No boys snuck in…so today we get to work out our Pussies!”

The first thing I did was check for hidden cameras…surely someone was playing a joke on me. But no this was no joke. The women started scurrying around partnering up…I soon felt myself being tugged to a mat by a gal…who exclaimed “I want you to be my partner…you have to claim the one you want quick or you might have to partner with Mrs Fong….nobody wants Mrs. Fong…trust me.”

I don’t know…Poor Mrs. Fong looked kind of sweet…I started to walk towards her but my partner…grabbed me by the arm, looked me in the eye, and said “Trust me you don’t want Fong.”

First Nimbia had us all stand and do Kegels while screaming out…

“Your Boyfriends are all going to love me for what I am going to teach your Pussy’s today!!!!”

Okay well Kegels are something one usually does alone but this seemed okay to me…and you know…Kegels are a good thing.

You’re Welcome

So okay this was not so bad. I tightened up the lady garden, made some new friends, already learned why people steered clean of Mrs Fong…in three dainty words…

Old Lady Queef

I was feeling pretty good until Nimbia Starlight yelled out…

“Okay Ladies sit across from your partner and lets get ready to stretch out our Labia’s! Put your hands on each other’s….

You know what…though I know some of my male friends have begged me for the details of what happened next…Well it was “Secret Pussy Yoga,” so I do feel I signed some sort of unspoken Vaginal Sisterhood NDA…

Instead I will tell you what I learned…

1. When partenering up in Secret Pussy Yoga…even if you are a straight girl such as myself…you still are lucky when you get an “experienced “ partner! You know to help you with the “poses.”
2. You really do want to avoid Mrs. Fong. Poor Nimbia had to partner with her and I think after we heard the fourth Fong Queef…Nimbi started weeping gently in the corner…in a very Namasteish way.
3. On the Special Skills portion of my resume I can now include “Labial Gymnastics,” and when you are a Labial Gymnast who is also in SAG…it could lead to work!
4. I have new questions about my friend who recommended this class to me and am also regretting any of the times I consumed that “special salad” she always brings to Potluck’s which she tosses with her hands and gets all coy when people ask her for the recipe…and says “I will never give out my secret ingredient!” Up until now I was sure it was Anchovies…now not so much!.
5. I think not everybody out there understands the Political Meaning of The Pussy Hat Project.
6. I really like boys…a lot (though I am grateful to Nimbia and the gals…for my new skill set.)

NAMASTE

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