Learning Things The Hard Way
I’ve used the Notes app on my phone as a kind of second brain for as long as I can remember. Most of the stuff in there makes absolutely zero sense (“eye colour clans”, anyone?), but I’ve started sifting through it in the hope of finding some nugs amongst the jibber.
For some reason (I don’t know why) I’ve decided to share select chunks of the head noise with my dear old friend, the World Wide Winternet. I’m sure I’ll regret this later (tomorrow), however as our old m8 Horace used to say, “Carpe Diem!” *
This is all stuff I’ve learned by acting like a giant Doodle, so if you think I’m preachin’, think again (I’m really not).
Thanks for listening x
*totally googled Horace
Sozzing
Fighting with someone you care about is awful, especially when things don’t get resolved straight away. All too often, these situations turn into ‘cold wars’, with both parties waiting staunchly for the other to come forward and claim ALL responsibility for what’s gone down. It’s normal to think you’re in the right — that’s what your subconscious bias is telling you, but it’s also what everyone else’s subconscious bias is telling them. So, who IS right?
WHO THE FUCK CARES!
The thing with arguments is that it’s very rarely a case of one person being fully right and the other being completely wrong. There’s usually various forms of shit being flung around, primarily because emotions get in the way, clouding our judgement and affecting the way we react to one another.
Here’s a prime example: Is lashing out at someone who hurt you ok because they did it first? The answer, of course, is NO, but does it feel warranted in the moment? Fuck yes!
Want the weirdness (which has left you both feeling angry and misunderstood), to end? Apologise. Do it first. You aren’t admitting defeat and you aren’t ‘losing’ the fight. You’re telling your friend you care about them enough to disregard notions of rightness and wrongness. Enough to want to work through things together, kindly. Because, let’s face it, everyone sees the world through their own filter, and chances are, you were both a bit wrong.
The amount of friendships that have been ruined because both parties are too proud to say sorry is ludicrous. Stubbornness in a small child can be endearing (not really…but let’s humour the parents), but being stubborn as an adult is the sign of a fragile ego. Don’t be that person. Sometimes we just need to let go, and get the fuck over it.
Apologise more, and don’t be scared to do it first. You won’t be sorry.
Forgiveness
Of course, there are instances in which one person hurts another very, very badly and there aint no ‘two sides of the story’ about it. When you’re on the receiving end of something this brutal, saying sorry first doesn’t actually feel like an option (I’m talking about big stuff here, not a bitchy Facebook post), because you’re just too fucking sad. Not angry. Not mad. Just sad, sad, sad (panda).
(Side note: It’s worth tuning into the Sad vs Mad thing. If you find that you’re angry with people all the time, there’s a strong chance the problem is you, not them. Soz.)
Anyway. To those experiencing the brunt of Proper Dickery, I’m sorry. That shit hurts. BUT (always a but)…if the Dick has the courage/humility to come forward and apologise from the bottom of their festy black heart and take FULL responsibility for everything they did wrong, for the love of god, FUCKING FORGIVE THEM, YOU ASSHOLE. Or don’t, whatever. But if you aren’t going to forgive them, then tell them why you can’t, and cut them out of your life. It’s that simple.
Whatever you do, do not pretend to forgive them while continuing to silently punish them for the rest of eternity. People who do this are the worst sort of humans. They actually enjoy getting fucked over because it gives them something to hold over you. AVOID THESE TOXIC, GRUDGY MIND-FUCKERS. They are actually far worse than whoever did the original fucking-over, because everyone makes mistakes, but forgiveness is an act of true compassion.
(POST NOTE: Obviously, saying sorry doesn’t INSTANTLY wipe the slate clean if you’ve been a Royal Turd. Trust takes time to rebuild [innit]. The most important thing is that you’re both moving forwards, awkwardly holding hands.)
The Fake Sorry
While we’re on the topic of apologies, can we please take a moment to address the monstrosity of the phrase that is, “I’m sorry if I offended you” ? This passive-aggressive bullshit is everywhere, and it needs to stop. Let’s get one thing straight. Just because you did not MEAN to be a dickhead, does not mean you weren’t one. Hurting someone without meaning to does not magically change the fact that they are hurt. Saying “I’m sorry if I offended you” pushes the blame onto the other person, because you aren’t apologising for your actions, you’re apologising for their reaction.
Keeping It Real
Everyone has been caught in the middle of 2 friends going at one another and had a smug “fuck, I am chill” moment. I get it. It’s cool to not want to get involved in drama, it’s cool to want to ‘keep the peace’, and it’s cool to not wanna pick sides. But if one of your friends is being a complete troll to the other and you’re sitting there saying nothing coz you’re ‘not choosing sides’, then guess what, Mother Theresa?! YOU ARE CHOOSING SIDES. You are choosing the side of the asshole!
Silence speaks, and not standing up for a mate when they’re being torn to shreds by someone on the attack is not ok. It doesn’t matter if the attacker is your friend. Validating a friend for their shit behaviour is NOT being a good friend, so in this instance, you’re actually letting BOTH people down. We have a duty to keep each other accountable, and unfortunately, this includes telling a mate to pull their head in when they’re being douchebaggy on occasion. Everyone (EVERYONE: IN CAPITAL LETTERS) has douchebag potential, so it shouldn’t come as a huge surprise to anyone to get called out every so often.
Yes, it means you might have to step up and get involved when you aren’t in the mood for drama once in a while, but that’s life. We owe it to one another to keep it real. Watching a friend get torn down and not saying anything makes you as much of a bully as the person who’s doing the attacking.
(Another thing. If the reason you’re staying out of it is because you’re ‘scared’ Ole Ranty-Pants will turn on you, chances are, they’re bullying you, too. Maybe not overtly, but they are. Think about it.)
Energy Purists
There are a lot of people out there who pride themselves on living a life free of “negative energy”. I get it. Who wants to be down when you can be UP? Who wants to fall when you can FLY? Who wants to be a stupid regular horse when you can be a BIG DIAMOND-DICKED UNICORN!!!!!!!!!(sparkle emoji shower)!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look, positive thinking is wonderful, but when it turns into some sort of human screening process, shit starts getting really ugly, really fast. Suddenly, your sad, just-dumped friend is a “negative force” threatening to staunch your “positive vibe”, and you no longer have “space” in your life to accommodate that. UM, ARE YOU FKN SRS M8? Since when was it ok to disguise being judgemental slash self absorbed with pseudo spiritual bullshit?
Someone going through a hard time is not a complainer. They are a person going through a hard time.
Call it whatever you want, but ‘tuning out’ friends*** because they don’t align with your personal agenda reveals a lack of empathy, and is nothing short of narcissistic. Not only is it narcissism, it’s narcissism masquerading as ‘empowerment’, which is the worst**** kind. Listening to someone’s woes when you’re on the top of the rainbow can be draining (I knooowwww), but this is how we support one another, and that’s the real definition of empowerment.
***I’m not talking about Toxic People (users/ perma-moaners/ nasties/ angries) here, btw. They can fuck right off. I’m talking about good people, who happen to be in not-so-good places.
****Based on things I “just know”.
SO, YEAH.
HI! You’re still here! A miracle, considering how rambly that last bit got. JUST QUICKLY – if I sound like a smug bastard, please believe that don’t think I am above any of the shit I’ve banged on about here. Chances are I still do a lot of it, but the point is I am trying (really, really hard) not to.
(SMILEY FACE TO DIFFUSE AWKWARD TENSION).
So thank you, Winternet, for tuning into today’s brain dump. If you hated it, please let me know (my vulnerable heart, my vulnerable heart, my vulnerable heart), and if you liked it (my ego! my ego! my ego!), please hit the little green heart…or share! ON YER FOOKIN FACEBEWKZ!
Peace, peeps x
