Letters to a C.E.O.

Dear C.E.O of British Bins Corporation,

I’m writing to you to complain about the manufacture of one of your bins that has caused my family a great deal of distress. It is with a heavy heart I am inscribing this letter, recently I have not wanted to pick up anything, least of all a pen. I have also not been able to do any cooking, due to my innermost anguish, and my children have had to ingest ready meals which have not been providing all of the nutritional needs growing children require. I fear my children are now at risk of developing rickets, or dare I say scurvy, due to your incompetency.

If possible I would like detailed evidence of your testing procedures, in particular the general waste office bin (model 53b dark grey), with clear information on how you decide whether a bin is suitable to be retailed to the unsuspecting customer. The general waste office bin (model 53b dark grey) I feel is not a safe vessel for rubbish, especially in an office-based environment. I strongly urge you to remove it from your winter catalogue with a matter of urgency.

I think you need to be made aware, if you are not already aware, of how efficient your waste repositories are at capturing and harbouring bacteria, allowing them to grow and manifest; ultimately leading to my family’s immense suffering. My husband is a very good man. He works very hard to provide for his family and to ensure his children get plenty of vegetables. However, sometimes at work he often has to relieve some of this pressure, because otherwise the pressure becomes unbearable, by pleasuring himself in the disabled toilet.

I have told him he can’t do it in the house you see, in case he wakes the children. He informed me that he placed the discarded tissue in your general waste office bin (model 53b dark grey) and thought no more about it. Now it transpires, through your dangerously ineffective and poorly ventilated bin model, one of the marketing executives, Lisa, is pregnant with my husband’s baby. It is of course a complete shock and surprise to her as well, that your bins are so perilously made, with no consideration that it may be creating an ideal climate which allows semen to incubate and multiply. We are lucky that it was only Lisa who was affected by this and not the whole office. My husband and I are now looking at having to support a child born out of the ineptitude of your bin design.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs. Peters,

Astounded,

Stockport.