Major Dating Sites Crash As Women Admit Not Really Into Museums, Good Wine, Or Getting Cozy By Fire

Also confess family not that important to them, life not that fab, and not really looking for partner in crime

Women across the country now admit that sitting in front of a romantic fire just means cleaning up a lot of ash and dust the next day and it isn’t really worth it in the end.

Tens of thousands of women on five major dating sites have changed their profiles and admitted they like almost nothing they claimed to previously. This sudden shift in dating preferences not only exposed a host of romantic pretenses, it crashed sites like Match.com, eHarmony, OkayCupid and Tinder for up to 12 hours.

“Truth is, when a guy suggests going to a museum, I want to puke. Ugh, nothing could be more boring,” said this 40-year-old dental hygienist, who’s active on eHarmony.

“I just wrote those things to appear more attractive to men,” said Cassandra H. from Fairfax, VA. “Then I realized I have no fucking idea what men want, so why am I saying that I like walks in the park and Sunday brunch when I can’t stand either of them?”

Paula Wilson, a 32-year-old CPA from Chicago, felt she hadn’t been true to herself. “The only reason I put down that I’m drama-free and don’t take life too seriously is because I saw other women write that,” said Ms. Wilson. “Actually I’m an anxious mess and freak out over the littlest things. That’s probably why my last three boyfriends left me.”

One 28-year-old single woman who uses Match said, “If I never saw another family member again, I’d be thrilled. Just look at them — everyone I’m related to voted for Trump.”

Mitchell Simon, a senior web director at OkayCupid, said that the site crashed primarily because women en masse uploaded new photos that were actually taken in this decade. “Our system couldn’t handle the enormous upload of honest content all at once,” said Simon. “But when the site finally came back on, we were all kind of shocked. It seemed like our entire profile roster of reasonably attractive women turned to total fuglies in just a few hours.”

Representatives from all the dating sites said that telling the truth would probably decrease their female members’ dating prospects and recommended that their phony, doctored and dishonest profiles be restored. They also warned against men switching to candor and sincerity, saying that their data showed no upside to this approach.

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