Men are not all ugly trolls and they’ve got the receipts to prove it

BREAKING NEWS: “Pretty boy” is no longer just a playground insult, but now a legitimate description of Australia’s male residents.

That’s right — Mozo did a survey, and found that we’re all filthy narcissists who collectively spend $22 billion on hair products, make-up, grooming and skincare. And hold onto your hats, because men account for $2 billion of that figure. So, ladies, next time a male in your life questions your latest beauty purchase, slip that into the conversation.

Queensland guys take out the crown for the fairest in all the land after spending the most on grooming (nearly $1,000 each year), and Tassie blokes spent the least (about $451), making them the figurative trolls living under bridges and asking passers-by riddles, like ‘Hey, you got kik?’

Gen Y men were the most concerned with personal grooming, spending $480 a year while men over 65 spent the least. Unsurprising.

Also unsurprising is that men are digging the feel of silky smooth appendages (honestly, what took them so long to get on this?), with 16% indulging in mani-pedis, spending a total of $763 million each year.

16% of men also owned to spending money on makeup — although they spend a lot less than women, evidently choosing to shop in Priceline rather than at the MAC counter. Which is very budget-friendly, and I applaud them for it.

What this all makes me wonder is, what makeup are these men buying? Concealer for their acne? Bubblegum flavoured lip gloss? The Kat Von D innerstellar eye and lip set?

Even more importantly, are they contouring? How sharp is their winged eyeliner?

What’s even more interesting, is just where these men are. Are they all in Queensland, rocking soft, shimmery summer glows? Or are there Tassie guys allocating some of their smaller spending budget to achieving the ultimate smoky eye?

The people need to know.

On the other end of the scale, 2 in 5 men said they didn’t spend anything on beard or hair maintenance, so presumably they live in the Tasmanian wilderness, wrestling bears for entertainment and splitting logs of wood with their bare hands.

Either that, or they’re lying liars who lie.

Let me know how much you spend in service of your vanity and what the one splurge you could never give up is — don’t worry, there’s no judgement here.