Mike Pence’s Diary (Keep Out!)
Dear Diary,
President Pence. President Mike Pence. The 46th President of the United States, Mike Pence.
That’s me!
Well, soon I think. Donald is acting like a big, stupid jerk in front of everybody and I just know sooner or later he’s going to say something to make everybody mad! I mean, everybody, even the guys he made all those promises to.
The other day, Donald told me that I could never face Putin like he could. He even said that I would be scared. Me! Then, he made me leave because he wanted to talk on the phone with Putin by himself. I’m starting to think that maybe Donald is doing bad stuff, like with Russia. Not like they are for-real friends, but more like if Putin was buying Donald lunch for a week and now Donald has to do all of Putin’s homework forever. I don’t know diary, I hope I’m wrong.
People are always underestimating me. My mom says it’s because of my smile. Like that story of the tortoise and the hare, Donald is the hare. He’s the fast-talker, the one who had to waste all the money running, and doing all those silly interviews. I’m the tortoise, taking my time, looking around, and standing behind Donald. Everyone thinks I stand there because I’m supporting him, but I’m really just waiting for my turn! Remember that scene in Live and Let Die when James Bond is playing cards with that lady and he asks her to pick a card? And then we see that all the cards were the same? I’m that card! No matter what Donald does, all the next cards are Mike Pence.
But know what? When I’m President, if Putin tries to make me do something that I don’t want to do, I’m going to just say no. Like, “No, Mr. Putin! This is America and I have to represent the people!” Or something like that.
Did you know that the shortest presidency was William Henry Harrison? He caught a cold and died. I don’t know if Donald will get kicked out after only thirty-two days, but… I think I’ll let the hare do the work for me.
Mom says I have to go to bed now, so I’ll write to you tomorrow!
Mike
Ps. Why are vaginas so scary?
