With More Explosive Corks, Veuve Clicquot Lands MLB Locker Room Deal

Commissioner Manfred says Veuve beat out Dom Perignon with its “higher corneal burn rate,” preferred by celebrating players

SF Giants players try to “cork the eyes out” of teammates after winning the NLDS and guzzling 47 bottles of champagne in just 30 minutes — a new record — with six players also experiencing blackouts later that evening.

If you’re a Veuve Clicquot fan you’d better stock up soon, because the popular bubbly is now the Official Champagne of Major League Baseball. And that means the world supply could be dramatically depleted by the time the first pitch is thrown at the start of the 2017 season in April.

MLB still requires rookies to wear goggles during celebrations as their irises and are not yet desensitized enough to withstand direct hits from the more biting French champagnes.

Just hours after the Chicago Cubs broke a 108-year-old championship drought Wednesday night, clinching the World Series, Commissioner Rob Manfred announced that Veuve Clicquot would replace Dom Perignon in MLB locker rooms next year. Dom had been the MLB’s official sparkling wine since 2008.

“This is an exciting time for Major League Baseball,” said Manfred. “With the Cubs winning the World Series and Veuve Clicquot becoming our new sponsor for drunken locker room celebrations, a new era for America’s favorite pastime has begun.”

Commissioner Manfred pointed out that Veuve Clicquot’s bottle design makes it easier for toddlers to pour the potent bubbly down their victorious fathers’ throats.

Manfred pointed out that in independent studies the cork on a bottle of Veuve flew almost 12 feet farther and with more destructive power than the Perignon topper. He also noted that reveling players experienced more searing eye pain — the mark of a good celebratory bubbly — from Veuve than with any other champagne tested.

“Our boys like to show their mettle by grabbing their eyes in agony when giving post-game interviews,” added Manfred. “The Veuve Clicquot is certainly going to push their limits with its higher percentage of corneal burns and its ability to deliver that telltale blinding retinal pain. It should be really exciting for our fans to watch.”

While professional ballplayers liked the taste of Tattinger, most said that the mega-bottles were just too hard to cram into the trunks of their cars after big games.

Tattinger was said to be favored for the 2017 MLB contract, promising to provide giant-sized bottles of bubbly for all LDS, LCS and World Series celebrations. But ball players said the larger bottles were more difficult to sneak into their team duffel bags when making off with surplus champagne.