Most Helpful Yelp Reviews Of Heaven
*****
10/7/13
1,984,284,852 users found this review helpful
I am literally on cloud nine. Cloud ten had a little more space to host cocktail parties and orgies, but cloud nine was a much better value for the rent. BTW — no mortgages in heaven. I’ve had the chance to meet great philosophers like Plato and Aristotle. These guys are so humble. They happily share their knowledge, and the language barrier really didn’t present an issue. It’s all you can eat all the time, and let me tell you, Caesar makes an amazing cobb salad. Would recommend to all my friends and family, but definitely not to my neighbors up here from 1975 who later became known as Def Leppard. Lost so much sleep that year — still catching up.
*
6/8/11
3,357,197 users found this review helpful
Worst experience of my entire afterlife. Requested a one bedroom. Despite not getting my request granted, I was super excited to find I got roomed with van Gogh. Always been a big supporter of the arts. Day two, he tells me about this underground club in the basement and says I should check it out. I go down, and immediately fall thousands of miles. This club was the worst…before you get into the club, you have to perform manual labor. The whole thing felt like it was an actual billion degrees. No A/C? Finally, I get into the club and it’s just Hitler DJing while Bin Laden break danced. He put on the same German dubstep for an actual eternity. They only serve mixed drinks of Jagermeister and mayo, and have a credit card minimum of your soul. Club has no exit — has the fire marshal seen this place? Fuck you, van Gogh.
***
4/22/06
587,026,753 users found this review helpful
Honestly, this place does not live up to the hype. Was recommended by my minister, so I thought it would be easy to get in. You think airport security is bad? The screening process here is ancient. Even after standing in a line in the waiting room (very nerve-wracking), you have to walk up a seemingly endless flight of stairs…really, no escalator? As a disabled vet, I have to say, Heaven needs to update their building codes for the handicapped. Jesus, get with the times. Once inside, there is no orientation. It’s sink or swim. I did get bunked with Duane Allman, which is pretty cool, but he just kept covering his brother’s song, “I’m No Angel” over and over. Cliché much? Food is solid. Drugs are on point. If you’re afraid of heights like me, bring some Xanax.
****
9/26/08
23,354,489,111 users found this review helpful
Exactly what I’ve been searching for. Finally, some peace and quiet so I can work on my novel. The real world wasn’t for me — too much interaction with people and too many obligations. A wife, kids, job…who needs em? I’ve finally learned to crochet and made myself a nice beanie, since it does get a little drafty when the jet stream comes through. God is a pretty cool guy, but he’s always late for important appointments. Something about every time someone on earth sneezes, he has to bless them. Must be frustrating. Also worth noting that he is searching for new assistants to read his fan mail from football players who score touchdowns and actors accepting awards. Could be a good networking opportunity. Check the website for a full job description.
**
12/12/12
9,782,452 users found this review helpful
Looks like the end of days didn’t come as expected. Shooting myself was as bad an idea as buying a non-refundable coffin. Even worse, Nostradamus showed me his high school report card….straight C’s in math. Now, let’s just get this out of the way — my neighbors are the worst. I thought it would be amazing living on cloud 11, next to the United States’ founding fathers (except for Thomas Jefferson, who van Gogh tricked into going to hell because he owned slaves). They are constantly having gay sex — which I’m okay with — but could they turn down the EDM and keep it inside? Also, Benjamin, lay off the weed, bud. We’re living above the clouds. Why do you think you’re going to be able to recreate your kite getting struck by lightning? Wings are awfully heavy, which they don’t tell you in the welcome packet. Also, air traffic control here is pretty much non-existent. It’s like the wild west out here. Wish I could go back.
*
9/12/01
2,452 users found this review helpful
Got assigned a room in the basement. Very hot. No virgins : (
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