My 2017 New Year’s resolutions — Embracing my inner asshole.
Life should be more fun as a result.
I am a nice guy. I know this. I’ve been told this.
A nice guy to a fault. I know this. I’ve been told this.
Because of that, I have a secret longing to be an asshole. Or at a minimum, to display some asshole tendencies from time to time.
I imagine life is more exciting, more freeing when an asshole.
With that in mind, my goal for 2017 is to unearth my inner asshole. To share that asshole with others (come again?). I want to hear people say “When did he become such an asshole?”.
How liberating, right?
Here are my “road to asshole town” plans:
Leave my shopping cart in the middle of the aisle while browsing.
My normal shopping strategy is what I call the “mailman method” having been a mailman for a summer. It works like this:
Park the cart in a strategically not busy location and hit up the two aisles directly surrounding that location on foot, sans cart. Place all collected items in cart when complete and find the next not busy location. Repeat until the entire store has been covered.
That is what a thoughtful shopper does. We consider others as we traverse the busy supermarket.
An asshole shopper pushes the cart to the general location of each individual item, pauses in the middle of the busy aisle while attempting to locate said item and doesn’t budge until said item is found. The asshole often will then scan the label to ensure the right sized item has been secured or do a quick review of the caloric count.
The cart never moves.
Other cart pushers be damned.
It is what is convenient for the asshole only.
I want to be that asshole.
Make a scene at a large extended family dinner
It will go like this:
“Fuck this, I’m outta here.” I throw my napkin on top of the ziti.
“Why are you doing this John?’
“You damn well know why.”
I then stomp to the nearest bathroom, slam the door, slowly slide down the door with my back facing the door until I am sitting on the floor and then place my head in my hands.
“John, come out here. Let’s talk.”
“I’ve done all the talking that is necessary. Leave me alone.”
All will be super confused and that will be awesome. It will be talked about for days and everyone will question themselves. “What did I say or do to him?” I’ll allow that to go on for a month and then I’ll clear the air.
Troll a celebrity on social media
I’m thinking either Adam Levine or Bob Saget.
It will be creative and non threatening but very assholish.
I want to feel the power of doling out insults through Internet anonymity. I think that might boost my self-esteem a ton. People will look on in wonder as I go toe to toe with these guys and it will probably boost my followers numbers through the roof.
“Hey Saget, go back to ‘America’s Funniest Home Movies’ you hack.”
Killer dig, I know.
Add “Let me just play devil’s advocate here” to every conversation
People love debating everything, no?
Get hammered and determine what type of drunk I am.
It has been a long time. I’m not sure if I’m a happy or sloppy or angry or emotional drunk.
Time to find out at the expense of others. It will be a joy to be the center of attention and to see that disgusted look on all those faces.
“I never expected this from John.”
They will love whatever asshole version appears. A too happy drunk is still an asshole.
To top it all off, I’ll drunk text them all. With an array of drink emojiis.
Everyone loves a drunk.
Live tweet during “The Bachelor” or “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”.
It is no secret that I am a connoisseur of these integrity filled shows. And I have so much to say about the “cast members” that hasn’t been said before. My keen observations will blow fellow fans, who are also on Twitter, away.
I’ll fill all of my friends’ timelines with my witty gems because I know, like me, they’ll be watching these shows in real time during their appropriated time slot.
I’ll hashtag the shit out of each tweet.
Andy Cohen will read these tweets and I’ll be on one of the live after shows due to my super fandom.
#Vanderpumpisabitch
Yell more at children, especially as their coach
Berating a young athlete in front of his peers and other parents teaches a valuable lesson to all.
The 7 year old learns that sports truly is life or death and if they want to earn a scholarship they better get their ass in gear now.
The parents gain respect for me as coach. “I love his competitive spirit.”
By osmosis, the other coaches quickly learn how best to get the most out of their kindergarten-aged point guard.
Win/win/win for asshole John.
Freak out a passenger with totally unnecessary road rage.
Two specific scenarios come to mind:
A. Scream at a driver doing the speed limit in the middle lane as I obnoxiously speed by in the left lane.
“Who taught you to drive asshole, a slow driver?”
B. Scream at a school bus driver as he/she allows children to board safely.
“You mean to tell me these kids are more important than me f face?”
I’m smiling just thinking about it.
A series of asshole moves on an airplane
1. Attempt to bring a too large suitcase as a carry-on item on to the plane. Bonus points if an argument ensues with the plane staff.
2. Repeatedly stuff my carry-on luggage into the overhead compartment even when there clearly is no room.
3. Lean my seat back without a care in the world.
4. Encourage my kids to kick the seat in front of them.
5. Strike up a conversation with an uninterested seatmate.
6. Get up multiple times to use the bathroom.
7. Crowd the aisle upon landing even if it means shoving my ass in the face of those still properly sitting in their seats.
