My Mock NFL Draft Includes Baby Hitler and Mel Kiper Jr.
I don’t really care for professional football but in the spirit of being a patriotic American, I have put together my selections for this week’s NFL draft spectacular. My picks are based on social justice or personal gain.
I ran them by celebrated ESPN draft expert, Mel Kiper Jr.
First Round: Baby Hitler. I’ll play him at fullback. I will pound Baby Hitler up the middle, giving him the ball until he’s dead. Social justice pick.
Mel Kiper Jr. : You are an idiot. You left some really good dead baby dictators on the board. I’ve seen video on Baby Stalin. He had great hands. Baby Pol Pot had incredible lateral movement, sideline to sideline, and great speed numbers. Baby Hitler is probably the 3rd best dead baby dictator. (Kiper hint: You might be able to get Baby Idi Amin, in a later round.)
Second Round: Emily Ratajkowski. Weird choice I know, but some of the best players in professional football have Polish heritage — Steve Bartkowski, Bill Romanowski, and Rob Gronkowski. It’s a stretch, but I enjoy looking at her. Personal gain pick.
Mel Kiper Jr. : Fool! There are at least seven Super Models rated higher than her. The obvious choice here is Irina Shayk. She has a tight end, a huge vertical leap, and Bradley Cooper for a boyfriend. Inside the Redzone, she’s got amazing acceleration and beautiful teeth. Take her, or possibly Kate Upton.
Third Round: Donald J. Trump. I am drafting him under the premise that he will succumb to NFL-required domestic violence and America will get a chance to see him punch out a family member, shoot a gun in a strip club, or manslaughter somebody in a road rage incident. Perhaps then we can finally impeach him. Social justice pick.
Mel Kiper Jr. : Your stupidity makes me hate you. Trump was a good choice in the 90’s, before he congealed into a tub of lard. The guy has terrible velocity, tiny hands, and couldn’t punch out a retired stripper in an elevator. You want Newt Gingrich here. Every team has at least one loud-mouth, know-nothing asshole. It’s necessary for team chemistry. I suggest Newt or possibly Mitch McConnell in the 3rd round. (I once saw McConnell’s triple chin make a beautiful touchdown catch at the NFL Scouting Combine in 1967.)
Fourth Round: Karen Carpenter. I’m worried about violence in the stands. I’d like my fans to be slightly anesthetized. Maybe every time we get a first down, she sings, “We’ve Only Just Begun.” We could also make a couple of extra dollars with weddings and graduations during TV timeouts. Personal gain pick.
Mel Kiper Jr. : You are a namby-pamby moron. I have Aerosmith and Iggy Pop way ahead of the Karen Carpenter. I’ve seen Steven Tyler run a totally respectable 40, completely zonked on a speedball of cocaine and heroin — wearing a beautiful silk scarf. The guy’s a total two-way threat. Karen Carpenter’s time in the 40 is even worse than Captain and Tennille combined!
Fifth Round: Marine Le Pen. I need a kick returner for my just announced annual pre-season “End-Islamophobia” charity game against the University of Munawwar-ul-Islam (aka Pakistan State). Social justice pick.
Mel Kiper Jr. : There’s an Imam on the ul-Islam team that is six foot five, two hundred and sixty five pounds — runs a 4.3 forty, and has a 43 inch vertical leap. They use him as a wedge buster on kick returns. If he gets a clean shot on Le Pen, she’s done. If she’s off the board by the fifth round, take Steve Bannon— the next best racist/athlete.
Sixth Round: Barry Manilow and his husband. I want to break the NFL glass ceiling for married couples. Maybe he can be a kicker and his husband can hold for him. Imagine the first homosexual married couple on the same team! Seems like it would be fun and entertaining. Social justice pick.
Mel Kiper Jr. : Barry Manilow is a horrible kicker! I saw him kick in Vegas, during the Copacabana tour, back in ’97. And when I asked him if I could time him in the 40, his husband got all huffy. (Said they had the wrong shoes.) My advice — there’s a secretly married kicker/holder team at Fresno State, but they are only Juniors. Take them next year, when they come out, literally and figuratively.
Seventh Round: United CEO Oscar Munoz. I’m ambivalent. I need a coach and it might be exciting to win a few games. I like the cultural viciousness of United, even though it runs against my social justice impulses. But look, I’m human and would like to win a game or two. Personal gain pick.
Mel Kiper Jr. : You are looking for toughness in a coach, but you have failed again. I have Martin Shkreli of Turing Pharmaceuticals way ahead of Munoz on my draft board. Sure Munoz is willing to concuss and bloody his customers, but Shkreli raised the price of Thiola from $1.50 to $30 a pill. He’s willing to kill for a few bucks. That’s the kind of leadership you need in a locker room full of assholes like Baby Hitler, Marine Le Pen, and Donald Trump.
