My (Outside-the-Box) New Year’s Resolutions
Step #1: Buy a box
Published in
2 min readDec 31, 2017
- To hit the gym. Literally and repeatedly until asked to stop. Then move on to the next gym before I hit them all.
- To somehow make all others pity me more.
- To stop drinking. Period. No exceptions.
- To eat with my eyes more often and, solely to avoid malnourishment and constantly dirty eyes, my mouth as well.
- To drop my water weight. Also, to stop carrying a water weight in the first place that has almost zero practical purposes outside a small amount of physical comedy humor.
- To stop treating my children like rare breeds of expensive show dogs despite the near unlimited amount of sheer joy it brings me.
- To finally buy my wife a pedestal and place her upon it so she will shut up already.
- To read more often, but only books that give the illusion that I am far more intelligent than I look or fill me with false hope or both.
- To not only spend money less frequently but to also stop cackling like an evil witch while doing so (probably should lose the witch outfit while I’m at it, too).
- To live life vicariously through someone else as long as that person isn’t already living vicariously through me as that would just get downright confusing after a few weeks.
- To spend an extreme-and-bordering-on-unhealthy amount of time with my family in as small a space as possible like that out-of-service elevator in the abandoned building down the block.
- To be the bigger man occasionally. In an unrelated note to self — find a large selection of smaller male friends.
- To wax more. This includes, but is not limited to: my bikini zone (just in case), our hardwood floors for the pure, unfettered, slippery fun that inevitably follows, and my friend’s back so he looks less bear-like without losing his animalistic charm.
- To let those around me know how much I care about them, how I truly appreciate all they do for me and just how thankful I am that they continue to share their oxygen supply with me at low low prices.
- To continue my 46-year practice of refusing, no matter how tempting, to beat a dead horse. Also, to continue questioning why my next door neighbor is so eager for me to do so.
