Nihilist-Narcissist Resolutions
Take and post more selfies. Work on perfecting the best angle for maximum youth/mainstream beauty.
Eat more: cheese curds, endangered sea creatures, processed carbs.
DO NOT give up seat on the train for the elderly, disabled, or pregnant. Instead, stare directly at them until they look away. Watch their legs shake for the remainder of commute.
Repeat daily: “My Patronus is Bourbon.”
Get black-out drunk and hit on married men at least monthly.
Consume more death metal. Send money to Satanists.
Get a couple of tattoos that scream “fuck the establishment,” like a bloody skull on my forearm. Or a neck tattoo of anything. Even a butterfly.
Flirt regularly with the teenagers at the donut shop so they give me free donuts. Buy them beer and get them high in the alley.
Fuck sunscreen.
Strengthen my detached, passive-aggressive communication with husband, parents.
Take up gambling.
Drink coffee profusely each morning until I have a panic attack. Sedate with xanax until I’m asleep at my desk by 1pm.
Skip my mammogram. Stop flossing.
Begin defacing public property. Start with Sharpie on a mailbox and work up to spray painting dicks on the side of a nursing home.
Try some new drugs. I hear that bath salts are out, heroin is IN.
Defecate purposefully on public toilet seats.
Pose nude for pretty much anyone who asks. (Bonus points if they have a neck tattoo.)
Take my boss up on those “mental health” days she promised, blowing off work for two weeks to sleep with hookers in Tijuana.
Spend my 401k on a rare albino baby alligator. When it gets too big, set it loose in the river.
