Paul Ryan Drafts his Retirement Speech
Having taken all he can take — from America, Ryan dabbles with dabbing offstage
Okay, welcome. I know many of you have been awaiting this day for a long time… is everybody here? Does everyone have a seat? If there are any people that didn’t find a seat, well, then it’s probably your own fault because you didn’t fight hard enough to earn a seat. Let’s take a look at the back of the room at those people without seats. First, let me say to them, if you deserved a seat, you would’ve gotten one. There’s just not enough seats to go around and not everyone is entitled one. No entitlements! That’s just the way it is. Get the hell out, losers. This party, much like the Republican Party, is not for you.
Now, for the rest of you, for those that earned a seat. Thanks for coming out.
I have a major announcement. As you all know, I’ve spent over 20 years in Congress committed to the hard — and sometimes thankless task of dismantling democracy and perfecting the reverse Robin Hood. I’ve taken from the poor and given to the rich to the very best of my god-granted ability — which, I might add — was granted at the very moment of conception, long before I was even a fetus in my mother’s womb. All the things I dreamed of doing since I was just a young kid hanging out at college keggers. I took and took and took, right up until America couldn’t take it. That’s just the way I am.
And it’s been a hell of a ride. But now I think it’s time I retire and apply myself to taking — and taking up — other things.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate all the huge financial gifts that came to me from the tax bill I pushed through and the money funneled to me by the very generous Koch brothers, it’s just that I’m not confident that there’s enough left to take from the rest of America to make it worthwhile, you know? It may be that my job here is done.
Why am I leaving, you might ask? There’s a lot of reasons, but the truth is that things have changed. Back when I was a young and brash new Congressman, there was still a thriving middle class, families who worked hard, saved their money, sent their children to college. And I took all that away. Me, Paul Ryan.
When I look around at today’s America, I’m just not sure there’s anything good left to take away anymore. And that both gladdens me and saddens me, if you want to know the truth. It gladdens me because no one can deny that I was instrumental in taking those things away. Still, I have to admit that the fact that there’s nothing left to take away, well, truthfully it makes me a little sad. I really enjoyed taking those things.
No, I am not going to cry. I promised myself. It’s just sad to look around and see that I may have disrupted and destroyed everything that there was to disrupt and destroy.
No, I will not cry.
Pardon me, Mr. President. Please.
Sure, I was just a few heartbeats from the Presidency but I didn’t think about that because I was too busy being dedicated to putting country over Party. I worked at it, you know?
But the tax bill is done and now I’m done.
Don’t worry about me, I mean, I’ve got my Government pension, my government healthcare, my IRA, my private pension fund, my wife’s huge inherited fortune and lobbying money, plenty of stock holdings in Fortune 500 companies like Exxon Mobil, Philip Morris and many other huge conglomerates that I personally have helped make even richer — as well as major holdings in a few funds heavily leveraged in oil, gravel, mining and timber interests. While I may not be speaking to the House anymore, you can bet I’ll still be speaking to corporate America. Of course, that’s not to mention my real estate holdings, including my many rental properties and my vast 6,000 square-foot house that has seven bathrooms. I can trickle down from almost all of my thirteen rooms.
Unlike most of you, my personal fortune has grown well over 75% over the past years and like my muscles in my work-out videos I like to tweet, it’s still growing, still pumping.
I’ve got some other things I’m looking at, too. Maybe a little summer place in the Hamptons or maybe something on the sea in an elite and exclusive Caribbean tax-haven. As everybody knows, I love me some tax havens. Tax havens are heavenly.
As for your future, will it’s a little less certain. Like America’s. And when you look out at your and your country’s dismal futures, I hope one day you’ll take a second and remember that it was Paul Ryan who helped take that fulsome future away from you.
I understand that the President still believes that there are things to take away, so maybe some of you fortunate ones will be able to assist him in that. I think there’s sign-up sheets at Mar-a-Lago or any of the other Russian-backed Trump Properties. All of them, I guess. I didn’t pay any attention to that. All that Russian collusion was something that I couldn’t take away.
But I expect to have a very fulfilling retirement. You can count on that and you can count on Paul Ryan.
Whenever the President of these United States comes out and defends Nazis, I’ll be right there to help defend the indefensible, to weakly and meaninglessly decry it as ‘morally ambiguous.’
Whenever there is a heinous mass shooting in these great United States, you can continue to count on Paul Ryan to be the first to send out gratuitous and meaningless thoughts and prayers while still always asserting that it’s not the right time to talk about gun control.
When there are devastating hurricanes, torrential floods, fearsome fires and waters rising across these great lands, you will still be able to count on Paul Ryan to be among the first to state that the science is not in on Global Warming and Climate Change. I will still be here to be that guy. You can count on it.
As I continue to collect my government pension, my government healthcare, reap my stock dividends and maybe accept some more graft from the Koch brothers, you can still count on me to disparage entitlements of any and all kinds. I will still be that guy.
When you need someone who spent his life in government service, dedicated to the task of destroying government, someone who married into great wealth and developed his moral compass by not knowing his way around anything except what he learned by reading Ayn Rand, I will still be there to remind you all that selfishness is a virtue and altruism is a sin.
I’m still Paul Ryan — and I will always be that guy.
Pardon me.
Consider clapping if you, too, have had enough of Paul Ryan.
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