Pope Francis Enraged To Discover That US Ambassador To Vatican Is Callista Gingrich Not Calista Flockhart

Callista Gingrich, the wife of former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, met with Pope Francis today, in order to introduce herself as America’s newest Ambassador to the Holy See.

Things did not go well. Normally placid, Pope Francis flew into a rage, and had to be physically restrained by several Cardinals. Cardinal Jorge Wosnicki, (a St. Louis Cardinal, and the best shortstop in the Vatican City Intramural Softball League) explained the dust-up.

“Pope Francis and God himself, were certain that Trump had appointed Calista Flockhart,” said Cardinal Wosnicki. “He and God were planning for weeks what they might say to Calista and her husband Harrison Ford. They just loved Ally McBeal. I mean the Pope had laid out an entire spread of chicken salad sandwiches, with the crust cut off. The last time he did that was for Lil’ Wayne.”

Cardinal Shlomo Applebaum was also present at the confrontation.

“Frankly, God and the Pope don’t give two holy craps about that translucent looking lady married to that fat gelatinous sack of horse garbage — Newt Gingrich,” said Applebaum. “God flat out hates that fakakta Gingrich.”

The Pope’s personal animosity toward the Gingrich’s was unknown, but later explained by several Cardinals who wished to remain anonymous in order to not annoy God, and inadvertently cause forty days of rain.

“Not only is Newt Gingrich physically repulsive,” said one Cardinal. “He also left one of his many wives, while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer. We’ve seen into his soul, and it looks more stained than Harvey Weinstein’s hotel bathrobe.”

Another Cardinal pointed to more recent events.

“In May, Gingrich said Bob Mueller was an impeccable choice for the Special Counsel. And then in June he said Mueller represented the Deep State at its worst. The Holy Trinity almost barfed in its mouth. Gingrich had better watch his back. God sees more stuff than even Santa Claus.”

Meanwhile, the Gingrich’s busied themselves with picking out furniture and arranging for their first official party.

“I’ve been told to send a letter to all the people of Rome, asking if they’d like to come to a Newt Gingrich book signing, at the Sistine Chapel,” said the US Embassy’s Director of Public Affairs. “They’ll be three membership club levels starting at $350. For $1,000 you get an actual picture with the former Speaker, and if you’re a woman of limited intelligence, a chance to be his forth or fifth wife!”