President Now Says He’ll Pay For Border Wall Using Hanukkah Gelt

Tells Congress he and Jared have such a huge stash of the chocolate coins, “We don’t need Mexico’s money anymore.”

President Donald Trump signed an executive order yesterday authorizing the construction of a southern border wall. He also told nervous Congressional leaders who attended the signing that he would finance the project without Mexico’s help, or using taxpayers’ money, by dipping into his own personal reserve of Hanukkah gelt.

The president said he hopes to mint some gelt with his own image on it: ”Imagine construction workers peeling back my golden head and getting a huge surprise inside!”

“Jared and I have been stockpiling these gold coins since the Jewish holidays in December,” said the president, referring to his advisor and son-in-law, Jared Kushner. “And I can tell you right now, workers on my beautiful wall are going to be paid handsomely with mountains of gold that they can slip into their pockets…or pop in their mouths.”

Senator Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, who is Jewish, was perplexed by the president’s statement, pointing out that Hanukkah gelt is just chocolate covered in gold foil made to look like coins, and is essentially worthless.

Sen. Chuck Schumer trying to wrap his head around the president’s insistence that Hanukkah gelt is a legitimate form of legal tender.

“Union workers aren’t going to accept payment for a major construction job with children’s holiday candy,” said Schumer. “Even if these laborers are chocoholics, they won’t be satisfied with Hanukkah gelt because, frankly, the quality of the chocolate is…eh.”

Despite push back from lawmakers regarding his funding plan, President Trump insisted that his gelt reserves will more than cover the costs of construction.

“What the hell is Congress so worried about?” said an increasingly irate president. “I already told you, I have a huge stockpile of these gold coins, more than enough to cover material and labor. I probably have more gold than Fort Knox. Ten times more. Maybe a million times. Wow, I just got a total from my accountant — it’s definitely a million times more.”

Sean Spicer choked back laughter when talking about paying for the wall with Hanukkah gelt, “It’s good stuff. In fact, I wish I was being paid in gelt right here at the White House!”

White House Spokesman Sean Spicer, when asked about the president’s contention that Hanukkah gelt would pay for a southern border wall that many in Congress estimate will cost more than $50 billion, said, “Look, the president believes that chocolate coins are legal tender. He believes what he believes. And you better believe it, too, or no gelt for you.”

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