President Trump Promises Massive Improvement of Climate Policies for Earth Day
Reveals easy, 5 step process to drop 150ppm CO2 in just 100 days
In a stunning reversal of policy, President Trump revealed his support of environmental preservation and climate change mitigation in two Earth Day tweets.
These tweets came during a time of worldwide demonstrations in favor of science thanks to the “March For Science” movement, although the White House has been sure to make clear that the President’s choices are in no way influenced by public opinion.
Some members of the public may be skeptical as to exactly what types of plans the President will be implementing in the effort to save the environment. Trump may have tipped his hand a bit in the next tweet.
We can assume that the President will focus on job creating industries. Knowing that solar alone produces over 2.5 as many jobs as all fossil fuel industries combined, we expect to see a river of pro-solar policies flowing out of the White House.
The White House knew that its reversal of position would be shocking to much of the public, so they organized a press conference to discuss the changes.
“I promise to defeat climate change in 5 easy steps.”
When asked to disclose these steps, the President declined, claiming that if he telegraphed his moves, carbon dioxide would know what his plan was, and could therefore prepare to defend itself and fight back.
Climate change experts claim evidence is scarce to prove that CO2 has any well-developed defense mechanisms, but according to Scott Pruitt, the science is “inconclusive and further research is needed”.
The President also gave shocking information as to the reason for his change of heart in his statement, saying…
“Last night, I was watching Star Wars, Episode IV — you know the one, with the giant bear and Princess Leia — wow what a dime — and so there’s this part where this huge space station — I mean huge — you wouldn’t believe it — looks like science fiction — goes to blow up a planet. I realized — ya know — I was watching this and I realized that the people destroying the planet were the bad guys. And this was new for me. You know it’s weird because Darth Vader was clearly the leader — won the election easily — his movies got fantastic ratings — but he was the bad guy and was trying to destroy a planet. I don’t want to be the bad guy. So I’m gonna save the world — it’s gonna be magnificent — and I won the election — I won the whole electoral college — can you believe it? First time anyone’s ever done that — so I think I’ll do it.”
Leaked footage of President Trump discussing these epiphanies with a friend
Environmentalists claim they could see this reversal coming even before the election, citing the President’s denial of his denial of climate change at the New York debate. You may remember when Hillary Clinton accused Donald Trump of calling climate change a hoax (video), and Donald Trump denied it saying “I do not — I did not — I do not say that — I do not say that”, despite having Tweeted it over 50 times in the past (examples).
Other environmentalists hypothesize that maybe Donald Trump finally realized that golf is an activity that takes place in nature, and this is just a new wave of policies that show his support for the game.
White House staffers have been contacted for their opinions as well.
Steve Bannon said in a statement that despite never having been outside before, he supported the President’s new agenda, and would do his best to get used to the taste of oxygen. A team of surgeons and physicians has been assembled to determine whether Bannon’s breathing gills will function properly in the outside air.
Sonny Perdue, head of the USDA, expressed his feelings Sunday morning, saying “Is nature good for chickens? I know chickens need water, chickens also need sunlight, but do chickens need nature? Will global warming kill chickens? I’m really worried about my chickens. Chickens die if they get too hot. I should go check on them.” He then ran off to buy a plane ticket to his farm in Maryland.
When asked for comment, Melania Trump could not be found. It’s not that she didn’t reply to our request. It’s that she literally cannot be found. If you see her, please let us know.
-Ben Chapman, April 2017
