Putin Congratulates Trump On Election Victory
NEW YORK — Russian President Vladimir Putin spoke by telephone with Donald Trump early this morning, congratulating him on winning the US Presidential election. “Congratulations Comrade Trump. You will make an excellent president. I look forward to invadi— excuse me — vacationing in the Baltic states while you abandon NATO and watch from the sidelines. Perhaps you can join me in bombing civilians in Aleppo by dropping some of those nuclear weapons you’re so excited to use.”
“Pro tip:” Putin continued, “you should consider slipping your enemies some polonium rather than using the courts to murder them.”
Donald Trump’s mouth moved, while the phone made a noise that sounded like “Gottle of gear.”
Putin’s comments were echoed by dozens of Republican allies who called to congratulate the President Elect on the impressive numbers he pulled seemingly out of nowhere on this, his election night upset.
Donald Trump’s electoral margins surprised even his own staff. “I’ve never seen numbers like this,” said Trump Campaign Manager Kellyanne Conway. “Mr. Trump now stands among an elite group of world leaders with astronomically high approval rates. History will rank him alongside such greats as Pol Pot, Robert Mugabe, and Emperor Palpatine.”
Trump’s Deputy Campaign Manager David Bosse touted the independance of the campaign, pointing out that President Elect Trump owes very little to his party, or his allies. “President Elect Trump did this bigly, and he did it on his own. He’s going to Washington without the stink of corruption, the favors that cling to everyone currently serving. By the way, if you’re looking for a great place to take your family for the holidays this year, you should check out Sochi, Russia. A close, shirtless friend of mine says he takes his mistresses there all the time.”
“These numbers are just unbelievable. Even our most optimistic models don’t explain this level of turnout.” said Yuri Pavlovich, the campaign’s head of IT.
“What’s really incredible,” he continued, polishing his Stechkin silenced revolver, “is the speed and accuracy of reporting the results. And we can all be proud as Amerikantsy that the election has integrity.”
Mr. Pavlovich went on to say, mostly in English but with a smattering of Russian, that the only way a computerized Diebold voting machine could be hacked remotely would be with the NSA hacking software stolen by Russia in a recent cyberattack.
