QUIZ: How Drunk Should You Get At Your Company’s Holiday Party?

Photo by Michael Discenza on Unsplash

The party is located at:

1. The cafeteria/multipurpose room/conference room/torture chamber in your office building
2. The cluster of desks where you and your colleagues work
3. A restaurant or bar
4. A rented event space

The bartender is:

1. Your boss or boss’s boss (because we’re really a family here)
2. Your coworker Bob with the twin toddlers who’s always taking about how he tended bar back at Arizona State
3. Someone who works at the restaurant or bar
4. Someone from a bartending service

The music is:

1. Michael Bublé’s psychologically scarring rendition of “Santa Baby” playing from event speakers
2. Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas” warbling sadly from someone’s desktop computer
3. Whatever the venue is playing
4. A live DJ playing hits from five years ago

The day and time are:

1. Thursday during lunch
2. Friday around two hours before you have to clock out
3. Friday after work
4. Saturday evening

You’re wearing:

1. A cozy holiday sweater because the theme said “holiday sweater” and then someone says “hey nice ugly Christmas sweater!” and you’re like “if this is ugly then why did I pay $30 for it at JCPenney”
2. Whatever you wore to work that day
3. Something casual and cute, like a first date outfit
4. Cocktail attire

The mode of invitation was:

1. A company-wide email
2. Your supervisor grabbing a handle of tequila from Vons during his lunch break and asking who wants to get sillayyyyyy
3. Cheryl who went around asking people about their dietary preferences because she’s, like, really good at this kind of thing
4. A reminder to RSVP followed up by your boss staring you dead in the eyes and asking if you’re going

The booze is:

1. Cabernet, chardonnay, beer, and whatever’s in the soda dispenser
2. Just shots of tequila (with no salt or limes) and room temperature beers
3. Whatever you’re willing to buy
4. Any drink of your choice provided you have the drink ticket you received when you signed in

Are people dancing?

1. No, we’re crammed shoulder to shoulder in here
2. Bob and Cheryl are the only ones dancing near the printer and it’s making me uncomfortable but also happy to have stuff to gossip about tomorrow
3. Other groups are while you and your work associates watch in varying degrees of amusement and resentment
4. There’s a a dance floor, but no one’s going near it except the tipsy intern and her girlfriend (aww! good for her!)

Be honest, are you going to have fun at this thing?

1. I’m just here to grab a cupcake and beer before I walk back to my desk in five minutes
2. It depends on the relationship I have with my coworkers; I’m either going to laugh a lot and have fun or slink under my desk and pray for them to stop
3. Oh, yeah, I love being in a loud place where I can’t hear people talk as I nod fervently and stuff my face with free chips and guac
4. I suppose if I have a positive outlook and the food is good, then sure, it won’t be a complete waste of my time

If you answered mostly ones:

Have one beer. Sip it while standing around with your other hand in your pocket and nod with a half smile when Julia from accounting makes eye contact with you. You notice Julia’s got a little cupcake on a napkin and is hurrying back to her desk. Wow, Julia’s eyes are super green. Take your own cupcake back to your desk and consider sending Julia an IM that says “cupcake squad!” Decide against it, that’s too weird. Go home and don’t make eye contact with your fiancé.

If you answered mostly twos:

Do not get drunk. If you’re really into it, have a tequila shot at the very beginning and it should wear off by the time the work day ends. This is one of those parties where you want to go straight home as soon as you clock out. You don’t want to do anything embarrassing like Bob, because this is way too intimate of a setting with just you and your team.

If you answered mostly threes:

Get buzzed, but not sloppy. Try to sit next to your work bestie and talk to other people around you. People will be relaxed, there’s food, and you’re all sitting down and cozy. Just keep in mind not everyone wants to pay for drinks like you might, so sip on your margarita and keep things light. Ask about people’s kids, they love that shit.

If you answered mostly fours:

Don’t have more than one drink an hour. You want to be almost tipsy, but always have your wits about you. The open bar will make things tempting, but literally everyone from the company is here, so you don’t want to look like an asshole. Eat lots of bread. The time to get truly wasted will come in a couple weeks at your family gathering.

What are some of your favorite holiday party messy stories?