Rage? III
Rage? Oh yea, I met her once.
She actually sat with me. I couldn’t get rid of her. Perhaps she overstayed her welcome, I can’t really remember. Although probably not. I needed her around. She deserved a spot at my table. I honored her.
One night I even hid with Rage upstairs in one of my toddler’s rooms, while my husband fed the children downstairs, hiding that anything was wrong. Rage, she stuffed a pillow as hard as she could on my face while allowing me to scream.
Screams.
Unfamiliar sounds that raged within me came out loudly, scaring even myself. Tribal screams. Did you know that feelings can have sounds? That night they did.
Betrayal
Shock
Denial
Sadness
Anger
Shaken, not stirred.
Shaken into fits of rage erupting from my core.
I am certain the muffled noises made it’s way down to the family downstairs in the kitchen…that’s ok. That would have been on my husband to deal with, he was the parent that night, turned out he owed me some of those. A lot of those. I had a sleepover with Rage.
Mostly though, I was too numb unleash like that. Mostly though Rage was buried by Shock and Sad. She bubbled near the surface, but it was hard to let her completely shine.
I only wish now I had maximized my time with Rage.
I held back. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. To hold back. Rage wasn’t built to be reigned in, was she? So yea, kind of bummed I didn’t let her go all out like she should have but, ya know… I had kids at the table too right? So.. yea.
Sigh.
I wish now, that I had gone ahead and raged the way Rage was meant to be honored.
Sure I️ yelled.
Sure I️ cried.
Sure I️ cried while yelling, tears mixed with snot.
But, I didn’t ram the pieces of glass shards straight into my pain. In fact, I didn’t break the glass at all. But oh, how I wanted to pull the art work down. The art work that hung on our walls he would certainly get in the divorce. I needed a house, not Jerry Garcia coveted watercolor pieces. No thanks. I really wanted to be dramatic, and it took every inch in my being to not show my anger in a visual way. I should have broke all that shit! I would have smashed it all and since our floor is hard tile, those frames would have erupted into millions of pieces of rage exploding all over the the place. God that would have felt good!
I think…
Alas, I healed.
Alas Rage left. She was no longer needed.
Who knows, perhaps the pilot light is on deep within? Maybe she will be stoked and Rage will find her way to erupt, fully, sometime.
In the meantime, I walk on.
Fiercely 💃.
This is Rage? III part of a two part series about my highly charged experience with rage, an emotion I️ had not known before. Rage, she rose from my core immediately. after I️ got through the shock and denial phase during the first few weeks of finding out my life as I️ knew it didn’t even exist and my world was ripped out from under me, the weight of the irresponsibility, debt, trauma, drama, carelessness and cocaine on top of me as… I️ free fell into hell. My husband’s 18 month consulting gig and frequent trips to Headquarters half way across the country was fake. There was daily drugging and alcohol abuse going on in my home. Over at the “Home Office” when he was visiting the “boss” he was really having an affair with a married woman with 4 children. My world fell apart, and for the first time ever, I️ was introduced to a new emotion named rage.
Thank you to American Jebus for publishing this piece in bullshitist. I could not not think of a more appropriate Publication to give this piece a home.
Inspired by Randy Cooper’s prompt and thanks to the fabulous Kathy Jacobs for her One-Line Prompt Project. I look forward to these weekly prompts and I can’t wait to see what words want to come out onto my blank page after I️ see the prompt. Sometimes, one-line is not nearly enough 🙂. I also get to be inspired by so many fabulous writers.
Happy Thanksgiving!
I’m grateful for this Medium tribe.
I’m grateful for healing.
I’m grateful for writing.
I’m grateful for achieving a healthy co-parenting partnership.
I’m grateful for feeling fierce, and for being fiercely gentle with myself when I need to be. ❤️
Now, it’s your turn! In 30 words or less 😂🙏🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️
