Sessions: Lady Justice Is Blind, Female, Probably Only Landed Job Through Affirmative Action

In his first day as Attorney General, Jeff Sessions denounced Lady Justice, saying she made a bad mascot for his new department. Reminding his assembled staff that Ms. Justice was “blind and female,” Sessions speculated that she’d beaten out a more qualified, able-bodied white male through some kind of affirmative action program. “There’s nothing ‘just’ about giving people special treatment,” he added.

Sessions, who until recently was best known for his anti-Civil Rights work, speculated about possible replacement figures who “better symbolize the values we will stand for.” This list included former President Richard Nixon, disgraced swimmer Brock Turner, and the Monsanto corporation.

At press time, President Trump had offered his daughter Ivanka’s body to use as a model for a new Lady Justice statue in case Sessions decided to go for, “a more attractive lady, without the messed-up eyes.”