So, I called them back…

(I had a little time on my hands. Don’t judge.)

“This is US Treasury Department may I help you?”

“I was calling to give you a confirmation number.”

“OK. Have you called this number before?”

“No.”

“OK. That is very good. May I have your confirmation number?”

“NH 106”

“NH106? Yes. OK. Please hold while I pull up your information.”

“Hello? Thank you so much. The grant amount which you are about to receive is $7,000. It has been approved. You will receive by today, yes?

Before we go any further. My name is Elise, and I can be reached at this number that you called, and my extension is 227. I am the right person who is going to help you collect your money today, OK?”

“For the verification purpose, how old are you?”

<I’m going to lie about my age. Obviously.>

“I’m 37.”

“37, that is fabulous.”

<um….thanks?>

“Do you know why you are going to receive this $7,000?”

<Of course I have no idea why you want to give me $7,000. You and the other guy have told me 18 times already, but this is fun. I’m going to ask you again.>

“No.”

“Nobody has explained this to you. Let me explain. Miss Susan, a few months back, the government conducted a demographic survey. 1,700 citizens, those who maintain a good recourse to the government, those who are students and those who are disabled, and also for the six months, you have no bankruptcies or criminal proceedings.”

<Phew. I’m a model citizen. Who knew?>

“Where do you get this information?”

“I do not have this information. I can only tell you that this is what they tell me is part of the demographic survey.”

“Who does this survey?”

“US treasury grants department. You received a call earlier from a man who told me you were to receive the money?”

“What do I have to do to get the money?”

“You don’t have to do anything. This is the first time you were to receive the money, correct? To receive the grant you must now make a registration to apply for the grant. You were randomly selected to receive the survey and you were approved. That’s the reason you must make the registration. The $7,000 is not coming from the state, it’s coming from the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. If you’re willing to receive the grant money today, I’m the one who’s going to help you, so you must listen very carefully to my instruction.

<Here it comes… listening carefully!>

“I have to make a registration? What is this for?”

You are not required to make any state-to-state transaction fee but you need to make a registration. To the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. They will send you your grant money of $7,000 to be received at Walgreens, CVS or Dollar General so you don’t have to pay any kind of fees. Before I go any further, I must ask, I ask are you interested to receive the $7,000?”

<I called you. So, hell yes I want $7,000>

“Yes, of course. $7,000. Absolutely!”

“OK. That means you have to go down to the Walgreens, CVS or Dollar General right away. It will take a maximum of five minutes of time. You must call me at the same number you called me right now and I will help you to go ahead and collect your money. Do not hang up the call. It will be a recorded line for monitoring purpose.

You need to get an iTunes gift card. Then you must go to the cashier to activate right away. Once you have done this, we will transfer the money to your iTunes gift card. This is a huge amount, so if you do not activate the iTunes card upgrade for $200, the iTunes gift card will not hold the full amount. Once you receive the text message, go to the cashier and demand the money. Before you collect the money, it’s $200 because you need to upgrade the gift card and when you activate the gift card but the $200 that will remain. You will not lose this $200.”

<That made no sense at all. None.>

“Wait. There’s a text message? I thought I was supposed to stay on the phone with you. How do I get the $7,000?”

“It is actually very easy, we will transfer the money. You will receive a letter and a number and you will need to verify to the activation department within two minutes of time. If you are interested I will update your file to the activation department so that when you reach the store within two minutes of time you can activate the card and we can give you your $7,000. This is very important. Will you be going to the store right now?”

<I’m still so totally confused and concerned that I’m going to lose my fake $7,000 because I can’t follow directions>

“Wait. I get an iTunes card, and then I go to the cashier to put $200 on it. Then I call you? Do I give you the activation number on the back, and that’s how I get my $7,000?”

“Well, yes, you must call me and I will stay on the phone with you. It is very important. Do not show your grants ID number to any other person. This is once in a lifetime and you won’t receive this any more. Once you get to the store, to the parking lot, you must call me right away. I must make sure I help you get the right card because it is very important. You must not make any mistakes OK? The Federal Reserve Bank of New York will come talk to me if it is wrong and I don’t want any kind of problem, OK?”

“What will the Federal Reserve Bank of New York do if there is a problem?”

“If there is a problem… the Federal Reserve Bank of New York will come directly to me about it, so I don’t want any mistakes, you understand. You are going to the store right now? I will be waiting for your call.”

20 minutes later… the phone rings again.

“Hello? I just wanted to make sure that you were able to get to CVS without any problem. I need to know that you are able to purchase the iTunes gift card and activate it with the $200, as we discussed. It is very important that we do this transaction right now, so that there are not any problems, you understand.”

<Pours a glass of wine, reclines>

“Right. Yes. I’m going right now.”

20 minutes later… the phone rings again.

“Hello? I’m a little concerned and just wanted to check on your safety. Are you at the CVS now? I would like to make sure you are able to get the iTunes card to activate it with the $200, as we discussed, and you can get your $7,000 personal loyalty grant money. I know how important $7,000 is to you at this time. Are you able to do this?”

<Pours another glass of wine>

“Absolutely. Yes. I’m so excited about my $7,000! I’m on my way there.”

20 minutes later… the phone rings again.

“Hello? I need to make sure that you are now at the CVS. It is very important that we do not delay this transaction, so that you can receive your $7,000 personal loyalty grant money. I want to make sure you know that this money is absolutely guaranteed to you by the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, so there are no worries. So you need to go there right now and activate your iTunes card. I want to help you to make sure you activate it with the $200, as you said you would.”

“Wait. Tell me again…what happens to the $200 on the iTunes card?”

“You will not risk this $200. I promise it will remain on the iTunes card, and you will receive the $7,000 immediately. I do not intend to rush you, but I really need you to do this now.”

“Um….I’m kind of busy right now.”

© Susan Sheffloe Speer, 2016