Sorry (not sorry) Medium
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately when it comes to my drinking and I’ve finally figured out what the problem is. I know, I’ve written quite a few posts on the subject with each pointer finger facing addiction, but I’ve come to terms with something that’s been plaguing me since middle school. My depression causes me to abuse myself in different ways because for a while I believed that I deserved it. I think that this is why I drank so much a year ago. My aunt whom I was extremely close to had just died, my friends and I were drifting apart, drinking too much was an easy way to abuse one’s mind and body. What am I saying exactly? I don’t think I’m an alcoholic after all. How do I know that’s not the addiction trying to trick my mind into drowning my sorrows again? I don’t, but I’m in a much healthier place mentally than I was a year ago.
I understand if some of you dear readers out there who’ve read all my posts are a bit confused by this, maybe you’re even angry at me or scared for me. I understand either way. You have every right to feel the way you do. The truth of the matter is though I’ve never experienced a physical withdrawal or need to drink. It was always mental for me, and some of you might be saying: “But you went to rehab right?” Technically it wasn’t actually rehab. It was a mental hospital, but I’ve told myself for so long that I went there because of my drinking. I don’t believe this is the case anymore. I believe that since I’ve made such a habit over the years of mentally and sometimes physically abusing myself that I used alcoholism to cover that up so I wouldn’t ever have to face it. So I wouldn’t ever have to face myself, so I wouldn’t ever have to accept myself. Because that is one of the hardest things to do in this world.
Have I accepted myself now? More so than I have in my entire life. I just have to work hard each day to make it stick. I have to do this in order to completely eliminate the annoying self hatred that’s been flowing through my bloodstream. Now I’m not just going to jump back into drinking and go buy a keg or something. I might not even start drinking again at all. I could be completely wrong and be an addict after all. I’m going to speak to a professional, my therapist to be exact, and go from there. I’ve already spoken to my girlfriend and my parents about it who support me no matter what. At the end of the day only I know for sure what I can and can’t do. What I can and can’t handle. I used to be one of those weekend warrior fellows who knew when to stop and never got behind the wheel. Then a tidal wave of things out of my control appeared. My second mother died, one of my closest friends tried to kill himself due to PTSD, and top that off with an unhealthy sprinkling of unnecessary family drama and what do you get? A giant shit sandwich I didn’t order but was forced to choke down anyways.
Some of you are probably curious as to why I’ve abused myself for so long. That comes from when I was younger. My father had a hard time connecting with us kids and was often unintentionally neglectful and sometimes downright cold. Now lets make something clear: I’m not blaming my father. He’s better now than he ever has been. Life isn’t just a learning experience for kids as they grow up but the parents as well. My grandfather was the same way to my father times ten. Nobody knew him because he never decided to figure out how to open up to another human being, but my father isn’t like that anymore because he tries. Sure he doesn’t always succeed but the fact that he tries is good enough for me. It’s something I never thought I would see from him. I accepted the thought that we would never be close, but that’s not the case anymore.
I guess the point to this roller coaster of a post isn’t alcohol, it isn’t that I’m dying to drink again. It’s just that I’ve accepted myself enough to know that alcohol abuse will get me nowhere. Like I said I could be very wrong, but I believe I’m not an alcoholic. Like my father, despite how good of a guy I’ve always known I am, I’m just too damn hard on myself.
