Spreadsheet Threats

I am going to put you in a spreadsheet, color code you, and alphabetize you.

I will put you in a cell and write a formula that makes you add up to zero.

I will insert your row.

I will delete your column.

I will autosum you like there’s no tomorrow.

I’m gonna conditionally format your ass.

I will wrap your text.

I’m gonna create your tab. Seriously. You can’t even stop me, so don’t even try.

I will make you see the big picture, but also the minute details. Because I am a VERY organized person.

I will make you understand complicated math through the magic of this amazing spreadsheet.

I am gonna run your number. I am gonna show you functions until you beg for mercy.

Oh, you want more? I will DEFINE you. I will define your name before you even know what’s up.

I will show calculate you right now, before you even know what’s logical. You think you can evaluate my formula? No way.

Oh, I’m not done yet. I’ve barely started. I haven’t even inserted a chart. That’s right. Get ready for some charts. What kind of chart? None of your goddamn business.

Watch my window. Just watch it.