State Visit
Getting through 2017
Scene: Buckingham Palace. The Queen and Prince Charles are arm-wrestling.
Prince Charles: Mummy, we don’t have to do this. You could just abdicate.
Queen: I’m not abdicating for your sake, chum. My country needs me.
Prince Charles: Oh, Mummy! [his arm falls backward] Ouch!
Queen: I win again. [claps and rubs her hands] Same time next week?
[Enter an Equerry]
Queen: Yes?
Equerry: Ma’am, the Prime Minister has set the date for you to receive the American President.
Queen: Over one’s dead body. [dies]
King-formerly-known-as-Prince Charles: Mummy!
Equerry: Sire, the Prime Minister has set the date for you to receive the American President.
King Charles: I’m going to talk to my plants.
Equerry: If I might suggest, sire, you mentioned —
King Charles: Abdication? No! Not after all my hard work to get this far. [rubs elbow] There must be something I can do…
Scene: a small airfield somewhere near London. King Charles is talking to a group of gaudily-dressed people.
King Charles: Now, you all know what to do?
All: Yes, sire.
King Charles: Shakespeare — you know your speech?
Actor dressed as William Shakespeare: Yes, sire. “Give me men about me that are fat — ”
King Charles: OK, he’ll like that. You Beatles, are you all tuned up?
The Bootleg Beatles (in harmony): Yeah, our kid.
King Charles: And you — oh. You’re a very good lookalike.
Actress dressed as Princess Di: I should be on danger money for this. You’re certain he’ll fall for it?
King Charles: My advisers assure me he’ll fall for anything. You make sure everything you do goes on your list, and you’ll be paid pro-rata.
Actress Di: Everything? From what I hear, I might be able to retire.
King Charles: Look out, I think this is him.
[A large gold aeroplane touches down]
Scene: The same airfield, a few days later. King Charles is handing out brown envelopes.
King Charles: OK, who did the Hogwarts visit?
Actor dressed as Harry Potter: Me, sire.
King Charles: And how did it go?
Actor Harry Potter: Not too bad. He was a bit frisky getting his picture taken with the Hermiones, and he laid into the Snitch with a golf club. [waves a memory-stick] It’s all on record. Multiple camera-angles.
King Charles: Good, that’s what we need. [Hands envelope to Potter] Now, who’s left? Ah.
Actress dressed as Princess Di: Yeah, me. Is that mine? [takes envelope from Charles and looks inside] There’s nothing like enough in here, Charlie-boy. You’ll need a wheelbarrow when you see my invoice.
King Charles: I’m sure it will have been worth it.
Actress Di: To you maybe. What happened to, you know, what’s-her-name? That one that was playing your Mum? Shouldn’t she be here?
King Charles: She texted me just now to say she’s had a better offer.
Actress Di: Where from? Oh no! Not Glare Force One?
[The large gold aeroplane takes off]
King Charles: It’ll be a nice bonus for her, after she thought her career was over. I hope she can keep up the pretence for long enough. It’s supposed to be a Special Relationship.
Actress Di: Don’t you worry about that. Five minutes is a long time in his world. By the time he gets home he won’t know where he’s been.
King Charles: Well, now that the excitement’s over I can go and let Camilla out of the Tower.
Actress Di: And I’m going to buy an island!
