Template for Hallmark Christmas Movie
It’s December, and a lonely [A: woman librarian, high-powered woman attorney, down on her luck woman stripper] played by [B: Candace Cameron-Bure, Danica McKellar, Kellie Martin] must leave the chaos of [C: Los Angeles, New York City, Miami] and return to her hometown village in snowy rural [D: Vermont, Colorado, New Hampshire] when her [E: father, grandfather, former high school teacher who taught her everything] played by [F: Jack Wagner, Eric Roberts, William Shatner] discovers he has [G: cholera, scurvy, typhoid] and can no longer run the family [H: bakery, Christmas tree farm, taxidermy shop] when she gets a phone call from [See E] advising her of the imminent closing of the [See H] but telling her to stay in [See C].
The [See F] picks up the lonely [See A] in his rusty pick-up truck and the [See A] reluctantly begins working at the family [See H]. On her first day, her naivete results in [I: a cash register shortage, a sprinkler system mishap, Poinsettia poisoning]. But with the help of her [See E]’s loyal but [J: cantankerous, drug-addled, despondent] sidekick played by [K: Andrew McCarthy, James Earl Jones, Peter Dinklage], they successfully navigate the uncharacteristically [L: snowy, hectic, profitable] Christmas season despite the [M: skepticism, meddlesomeness, sabotage] of the town [N: whore, misguided Sunday school teacher, wealthy dowager] played by [O: Tori Spelling, Susan Lucci, Angela Lansbury].
A week before Christmas, the status quo is disrupted by the appearance of the town [P: doctor, minister, former Wall Street guy] played by [Q: Luke Perry, Steven Weber, James Van Der Beek] when his [R: dog, sled, old wood-paneled Jeep Wagoneer] with a [S: tree, poor child, prize-winning fruit cake] strapped on top of it slams through the front door of the [See H].
At first the [See A] is livid at this interruption but then she looks into the eyes of the [See P] and feels something she has never felt before. She is unsure if it’s [T: love, Christmas spirit, a recurrence of gonorrhea] but wants to follow it wherever it leads her. She seeks [U: solace, wisdom, an antibiotic salve] from her [See E] and during a visit with him, he gives her a mysterious [V: locket, Christmas stocking, box of holiday recipe cards]. He tells her the origins of the [See V] and how he stored the [See V] in his [W: holiday cookie jar, holiday music box, big stinky anus] while he built the [See H].
The [See A] closes the [See H] at the regular closing time on Christmas Eve and while [X: counting the receipts, mopping the floor, deciding to do something naughty — but not female masturbation-level naughty — more like drink half a bottle of wine naughty or eat some spoonfuls of raw cookie dough naughty] sees myriad villagers walking to the annual village Christmas [Y: pageant, caroling festival, tree lighting] and decides the [See X] can wait. She dons the [Z: big boots, woolen hat, furry muff] she found in the basement of the [See H] when she first arrived in [See D] and thought was too [AA: ugly, primitive, dusty]. When she gets to the [See Y] she sees the [See P] sitting next to the [See N] drinking the [BB: too-hot hot chocolate, too-potent eggnog, over-mulled hot mulled cider] the [See N] made for the [See P]. The [See A] smiles at the [See P] and the [See P] hands his [See BB] to the [See N] who spills it down the front of her fur coat made from [See CC: baby polar bear skins, feathers from the last bald eagle, beavers from the town river]. The [See P] walks over to the [See A] and they [DD: embrace, rub noses, kiss].
The [See A] and the [See P] go back to the [See H] where [See A]’s [See E] rests in the second-floor bedroom. Everyone realizes that the [See E] won’t make it to Christmas. So the [See P] says goodbye to the [See E] and says he will take care of the [See A] forever. The [See A] [EE: weeps uncontrollably, weeps but sort of smiles in a “thank you” kind of way, sort of weeps but more like appropriately cries and provides strength to guide him to the next life] and the [See E] closes his eyes. As he does so, the [See V] mysteriously [FF: twinkles, ruffles in the wind, makes a soothing jingle bell sound].
The next morning, it is unclear whether the [See A] and the [See P] [GG: called the morticians, baked the ham and gingerbread house and figgy pudding and Christmas potatoes glistening in the kitchen, fucked like reindeer] but it is Christmas. And there is a mysterious gift under the tree which beckons the [See A] to open it. She does. Inside is the [HH: deed, gingerbread scented soothing anti-gonorrheal salve, red Christmas shoes].
