The 12 Days of Christmas as Sexy Sex Moves for Sex

This holiday season, think outside of the ornately wrapped box and into your own box! Surprise your sexual partner each day with one of these steamy sex moves inspired by the 12 Days of Christmas. You might be put on the naughty list, but neither of you will be complaining about the big lump of coal in your pants!

The Partridge in a Pear Tree

Decorate your nude body with real tree limbs and hang juicy pears from each branch. After your partner has picked each pear and baked a beautiful pear tart tatin from scratch, reveal to them your “partridge”: your genitals will be covered in real birds feathers (feathers you find on the street should be fine).

Two Turtle Doves

Both you and your partner will dress up as birds (great opportunity to up-cycle those feathers you scavenged from before) and build a nest out of twigs and other debris you find lying around. After your partner deems this nest suitable, you will take some eggs from your fridge and sit on them for a few hours. Finally, you will have sex in the nest — but be careful not to break any eggs!

Three French Hens

You will dress up in a French maid’s costume and cook 3 chickens as well as the eggs you incubated the day before. Your partner will go to France. When they arrive back, you will feast upon your poultry rich meal. Then, have sex I guess!

Four Calling Birds

At this point, just the appearance of any bird anywhere is getting you VERY horny. Your partner will get even hornier when they see that you’ve adopted four birds from your local animal shelter, which you will then train to sing R. Kelly songs. There’s nothing sexier than orphaned birds shitting all over your apartment and singing Remix to Ignition!

Five Golden Rings

Between you and your partner there are roughly 5 holes (more if you are both women, and less if you are both men — but who’s counting). You and your partner will paint all your holes with a golden, oil-based paint and go to town on each other. If you don’t have enough holes or too many holes, just scratch this whole thing and order some onion rings from the nearest deli.

Six Geese a-Laying

Oh great, more birds. Ok. For this one, you and your partner will fly south for the winter and pork yourselves into oblivion in Boca Raton.

Seven Swans a-Swimming

Who would want this many birds as gifts? Anyway, you and your partner will watch Black Swan together and get completely turned off by the pyscho-sexual, meta-physical thriller. Being able to heat up the bedroom afterwards will be just as psychologically exhausting as the film itself. Hot!

Eight Maids a-Milking

You and your partner will take turns trying to stimulate lactation in each other for hours on end. When one or both of you produce milk, it’s time to get to pound town! But first, the milk will probably make you a little bit sleepy, so make sure you both burp each other before taking a nice nap.

Nine Ladies Dancing

Post this ad on Craigslist: “Couple for 9 Female Dancers, must have high stamina, built musculature, and comfortable with nudity.” When you have hired all 9 dancers, help them choreograph an elaborate routine to perform while you and your partner watch in the nude.

Ten Lords a-Leaping

Post the same ad on Craigslist but this time for 10 men. Repeat steps 2 and 3 as well.

Eleven Pipers Piping

You and your partner are about to lay some serious pipe! But first, you must complete a full maintenance check on all of the pipes in your house: gas lines, heating pipes, and plumbing. Once you have deemed everything up to code, it’s time to install a NEW pipe — into one of your holes!

Twelve Drummers Drumming

Hire Nick Cannon and Miles Teller to perform a drum-off based on their respective roles in Drumline and Whiplash. You and your partner will judge them in the nude. Whoever you deem the winner of this contest will have the privilege of drumming to the beat of your love-making for the rest of the night.

Wow, what a sexual-roller coaster you embarked on this holiday season! You’ll be so horned up at the end of this that you won’t even care about the political climate and current state of our country moving into the new year!