The New & Improved “Here, Hold my Beer” Terminology Thesaurus
Because there’s a lot of stupid shit going down and you never know what you might have to hold.
Tradition dictates that one is supposed to proclaim “Here, hold my beer,” just before attempting a senseless act of sublime stupidity. But as the penchant for puerile pastimes grows ever more preponderant, doing stupid things is not just for barley-flavored beverages anymore.
Here’s the newly-updated Definitive 2018 Field Guide for things that anyone might ever ask you to hold just before they want to snatch defeat from the gaping jaws of victory and embark on another zany exploit.
Hipster Hophead: Hold my Small-batch Bohemian Hop-Forward American Pale Ale Homebrew.
CrossFit Enthusiast: Hold my Fish Oil-Creatine Protein Shake, brah.
19th-Century Dutch Post-Impressionist Painter: Here, hold my ear.
Vegan: Hold my unrefined raw water Kombucha Almond Milk Smoothie
Sigmund Freud: Herr, here hold my Mom’s slip.
Homo Neanderthalensis: Here, Thurg, hold my spear.
Doula: Here, hold my friend Carol’s natural home-birth placenta shake.
Your Facebook friend from High School: Here, hold my picture of the burger I had for lunch and this cut-and-pasted post about how you don’t grant Zuckerberg the right to your private posts.
Nigerian Prince: Hold my Uncle, the Former Finance Minister of Nigeria’s $47 million dollar bank account number.
GOP Congressperson: Here, hold my unread copy of the U. S. Constitution — and the tattered remnants of my dignity.
#45 POTUS: Hold my Filet-o-Fish and get me nine-iron and my phone.
Ivanka: Hold my Dom Perignon Champagne Popsicle.
Donald Trump, Jr.: Hold my senselessly-slaughtered Elephant tail.
White Supremacist: Hold my #MAGA sign and my hood.
Roy Moore: Hold my African Grey Parrot, I’m gonna try and sneak in the Mall for a Cinnabon.
Guy Who Invested in Bitcoin in 2013: Hold my virtual wallet and my blockchain.
Wilson Phillips: Here, hold on to one more day.
Oxford Comma: Hold my beer, my hand, and my list of three properly punctuated items.
William of Occam: Hold my razor.
ee cummings: Hold my caps-lock.
If you don’t want to hold someone else’s beer, holding your thumb down on the little green hands while you count to fifty has been scientifically-proven to be relaxing, therapeutic, and to have a medium effect on something.
Here, hold my breath while I paste up some other irreverent word play.
