Theo Epstein Announces Promising New Lineup of Irrational Chicago Baseball Superstitions
CHICAGO — In the wake of the Chicago Cubs’ World Series win, President of Baseball Operations Theo Epstein announced today he has an promising new collection of prospective irrational Chicago baseball superstitions, ones he plans to reveal to the world at the winter meetings scheduled for early this December.
“I told the ownership here at Wrigley that if they wanted a great team, they’d have to take their vitamins,” said Epstein. “They did that. We won. Now we’ve used up an important resource: idiotic supernatural excuses for why a perennially bad team went nowhere for more than a century.”
The Chicago Cubs were a team defined by losing, and over the decades the club adopted numerous superstitions to explain their embarrassing record. With a World Series win under their belts, the team, and indeed its fans are “looking for a new self-image” said Epstein.
“This is the twenty first century,” Epstein told reporters as he pulled on a Guy Fawkes mask, donned a black robe, and decapitated a chicken with the spinning gears of a Keurig coffee grinder.
“We need twenty first century superstitions,” he continued, slathering his naked torso in chicken blood, and painting satanic symbols on the screen of an iPad, using the chicken’s entrails.
“I want our fans tweeting hashtags for fear of the team dying in the plane crash. I want them naked, covered in peanut butter, cheering in Japanese for fear of a grounder erupting in a fireball. I want them sacrificing their elderly relatives on bloody altars to appease the almighty baseball gods. For we will not lose them now. We have destroyed their identities as the faithful, martyred fans of a truly awful team. We must own their souls, or else we’re just another baseball team that hasn’t won the World Series very many times.”
