Things I Don’t Understand: Lush Cosmetics

What is this gimmick?

I am in a sorority. As a result, I know many, many people who just love Lush. They give and get gift cards with glee. They gush about stocking up on their favorite holiday products. Their Snapchat feeds are full of “bath bomb demos.” Look, I don’t want to know what you use in the bath. Also, baths are unsanitary, and by extension, so are you.

Their website, featuring what seems to be a vague political statement (?).

I have never used a Lush product in my life. I have better things to spend my money on, like Taco Bell. However, at the request of many friends (yeah, I’m pretty popular) I’ve made more than a few trips into several different Lush storefronts. They were all exactly the same, and they all sucked.

Here’s what happens when you walk into Lush: first, your lungs will beg for mercy as you enter the overly-scented store. Then, person who undoubtedly shared “This is How Bernie Can Still Win” posts long after Trump had won greets you and asks you what you’re into. Um, excuse me, this isn’t Lover’s Lane. That’s none of your business.

Next, after you’ve told them about your skin and hair woes, the employee will find an overpriced solution for you. Even though you are an adult who can wash your own damn hands, this person will do it for you, using a product that their coworker allegedly made. I don’t know why it’s important to know who made your products. Do people even know the difference? “I like the way Jimmy makes my acne scrub. I can tell he makes it with love. Not like Martha. Martha makes it with judgement.”

A photo of an actual Lush employee actually making a bath bomb of some sort. Source

If you haven’t passed out from the “organic” smell by now, you might want to go pick out some bath products. Bath bombs are especially popular. They’re essentially colored balls of powder soap that fizz and smell nice and turn your water pink or gold or whatever. It’s like the bubble baths of your childhood, except without the bubbles or the point. You can get them for a lot cheaper at Whole Foods, but the premise of treatin’ yo’ self requires that you go broke.

And that’s it. That’s literally it. I don’t get it. I don’t get what makes these products so special. Someone once told me that Lush is special because their products are so oRgAnIc that you could eat them, if you wanted to. Okay, but are you going to eat your golden egg bath bomb? Scrub yourself clean with your cone of soap before taking a big ol’ bite out of it? No. You are not going to do those things.

So, in conclusion, Lush is probably a ripoff and I will take no part in it. Next up on Things I Don’t Understand: Urban Outfitters.