Thirteen Signs Your Kid’s Christmas Pageant Was Directed by A Shitty Nun

Instead of a traditional nun outfit, she is wearing a sexy Santa Claus suit; much like the one Mariah Carey wore on her “Merry Christmas” album cover.

Instead of the traditional “Silent Night” and “The First Noel” the children are singing songs from Van Halen’s debut album, Van Halen, including “Runnin’ With the Devil,” “Ice Cream Man,” and “You Really Got Me.”

Instead of sheep, camels and horses, she insists on populating the nativity scene with her two pet chupacabras, Dahmer and Bundy, and her three pet dingoes, John, Wayne, and Gacy.

The child portraying the Virgin Mary is wearing a replica of that Versace dress Jennifer Lopez wore to the 42nd Grammy Awards Ceremony in 2000.

Instead of gold, frankincense and myrrh, the three kings have brought baby Jesus an assortment of newly sharpened ninja weaponry.

Her name is Sister Mary Beelzebub.

Instead of Bethlehem, Mary and Joseph are going to Mar-A-Lago.

A vociferous Tickle-Me-Elmo doll is the stand-in for Baby Jesus.

Sister Mary Beelzebub’s singing voice is a cross between James Earl Jones as Darth Vader and Fran Drescher as the Nanny.

She rigged a bucket of gelatinous red paint to teeter and spill its contents on the young girl playing Mary during the pageant’s final scene.

The stable where baby Jesus was born eerily resembles the house in the Amityville Horror.

At the end of the pageant you said, “Merry Christmas Sister!” In response, she displayed a mouthful of huge canine-like teeth and, with nostrils flaring said, “GGGGrrrrr Ggggaarrrrgggg grrkreeeeeekkkkkjsjiu hisssssssss ROOAR.”