Toilet Paper Has Inflated Sense of How Many Rolls It Is

After reading a series of self-help books to cope with an acrimonious divorce, numerous sources say Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper has been walking around with an inflated sense of how many rolls it actually is.

“He keeps saying 24 big rolls equals 48 regular rolls,” says ex-wife Bounty Paper Towels. “But that math makes no sense. A roll is defined by that cardboard thing in the middle, not how many sheets it has.”

“You don’t even see any toilet paper claiming to be a ‘regular’ roll anymore,” says fellow grocery-store staple Blueberry Morning cereal. “If they’re all saying they’re big rolls, that size is the new regular.”

“At the end of the day, when you count how many rolls are in the package, it’s 24,” adds Charmin’s daughter, Vanity Fair Napkins. “It’s like, if he could just say he was 24, we could love and accept him for who he is.”

Sources say Charmin is considering adding to his packaging, “in a spilled-beverage emergency, one roll of toilet paper is almost as good as five paper towels.”