Topical Jokes
It has been reported that Kim Jong Un threatened the US with an ‘election day missile launch’; by which of course he means he is planning on throwing up ‘double middle fingers’.
After a smog crisis in New Delhi, citizens stated that “every breath is an effort”; which happens to be a phrase Donald Trump mutters after every meal.
An underground ISIS prison containing 1000 captives was discovered, leaving Iraqi Forces concerned, because that’s so unlike ISIS.
After arresting several leaders and lawmakers, Turkey President Tayyip Erdogan stated, “I don’t care if they call me a dictator”, which is exactly what a dictator would say.
Toronto Muslim Police Chaplain says women commit ‘major sin’ if they refuse to have sex with their husbands. Canadian Muslim Women responded with the classic Kim Jong Un missile launch.
A judge in Argentina recently declared that a chimp has rights, and must be freed from the zoo. “Damn, I wish I got arrested in Argentina,” Said everyone in prison.
In regards to the Bridgegate Scandal, Chris Christie stated that it was “One of the most abjectly stupid things I have ever seen”, which ironically is a reflection of everyone’s feelings towards most things Christie does.
Daylight Saving Time occurred November Sixth. Sources reported that Trump was seen repeating to himself, “I control the sun”, while aggressively rewinding every clock in Washington D.C.
Alec Baldwin and Kate McKinnon broke character on last week’s SNL, leaving everyone wondering when Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton will break character.
A man was found eating the face of a man which he stabbed. You’ll never believe this, but it happened in Florida.
Colorado Cannabis Retailers claim they do not sell to minors, leaving every minor in Colorado with absolutely no means to find cannabis anywhere, whatsoever.
This week officially marks ‘Du Rag History Week’ which is a week that consumers of du-rags neither need, nor deserve, but the one they wouldn’t stop asking for.
Election Day occurs on Tuesday, November 8th. Trump stated to his supporters: “It’s rigged. The whole thing is rigged. Don’t even bother. But please vote. So that I can win. Okay? It’s rigged. Please vote. I control the sun.”
Steely Dan plans to tour in 2017, going strong for 37 years. Fans in the front row are excited to shower in steely dandruff.
An Insurance company paid for a young girl’s $8 Mileage fee to get to the hospital, rather than covering the $50k expense for her eye surgery. Here to defend themselves, the Insurance company.
Insurance Company: Look, eye don’t see anything wrong with this. Let’s just close the lid on this whole thing. Scleriasly. Put a socket in it. Pardon my (vitreous) humor, and Cornea jokes; I just want to observe things from a different lens here. Irisked a lot by making this move. It was just a matter of time before the media lashed out. I would’ve had to hand over the money in bags. No need to sit in regretina. After all, I’ve been doing things like this since I was created. Speaking of birth- what’s my age again? That’s a song by Blink 182. Anyways, time for me to make like an eye-ball and bounce. Ophthalmoscope, everyone!
